Hi all. I’m 28 years old, happily married with 2 beautiful boys. My obsessions are many, but my most recurring, and most terrifying, is the one about my husband dying in a car accident. He has a very long commute, an hour there and anywhere from an hour and a half to two hours + back, depending on the traffic. Pure agony. He’s driving back from work as I type this, and I’m checking the California Highway Patrol traffic incident page. I either have to do that until he comes home, or I have to be on the phone with him. I will literally freeze up, hyperventilate, cry, panic, heart racing if I can’t constantly check to make sure he’s okay.
I used to have the same obsessions about my children while they were at daycare when I was working (not a car accident, obviously, but an earthquake, kidnapper, you name it). I’m a SAHM now, so they’re constantly with me, and I’m so afraid to pass this horrible THING off on them. I *think* I’m very careful at hiding it most of the time, though. My husband doesn’t even know a fraction of the extent of it, because most of it goes on in my head, so I guess that I hide it well. But I feel you. It’s agony. And that’s only one of my obsessions. It’s the most frequent and time consuming of them all.
And I’ve noticed that they get worse when ANYTHING positive happens, even if we work hard for it. We found a great deal on an apartment in a really nice area with a really great elementary school, and we got approved. We move on Saturday. I’ve been waiting for the “inevitable” awful thing to happen. Then I’ll try to talk myself down, saying “it’s definitely your OCD. Everything will be fine.” Then my OCD demon will pipe in “Maybe I’m getting a bad feeling for a reason. Maybe I’m sensing imminent doom.” You get the idea. For hours that can go on in my head. I’ll be up all night, checking to make sure my husband is breathing, checking on my children to make sure they are breathing and
that they haven’t been kidnapped.
As I type this, I realize how crazy it all sounds. But it feels so real. I actually always EXPECT something horrible and catastrophic happening. I’m wasting my life, and it really is such a wonderful life. Beautiful life, with lots of wonderful people in it. Any girl would be lucky to have all that I do. I’m just afraid of losing it all, and I can’t tell anyone about the extent of my mental state, because I fear that I’ll lose my children and husband or end up in a psych ward. I’m really terrified that I’m really really crazy, and that if I tell anyone, or even let on how I truly think a lot of the time (not really all the time. It cycles a lot. Sometimes I’m relatively “normal”) that I’ll get put
into a mental institution and be declared unfit as a mother. My family is my world, and I want my children to have the best of everything. I love them so much. And sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve them. Very very painful.