Incertus

Most people with OCD go for years, decades even, before seeking help or even being diagnosed. One of the main reasons for that is the fear of being stigmatized. We are very aware that our thoughts and behaviors are different, unusual or even bizarre. And they can certainly be embarrassing. So we learn to hide them and we can get very good at that. To our detriment.

winnipegsun.com - Manitoba - Attached stigma is worse than the disorder itself

It’s unfortunate that OCD sufferers are often stereotyped as being delusional, cat-collecting and unproductive, or seen as humorously crazy.

This article talks about that stigma.

As in the case of many sufferers, OCD has taken on many forms during my life, ranging from compulsive hand-washing to paranoia about AIDS.

Then there was, of course, “If I don’t get out of the bathroom within five seconds, my mother will die”, and all that kind of rubbish. The biggest, most destructive and enduring form for me though has been obsessions that my partners have been unfaithful, and seizing upon any tiny little scrap of “evidence” possible to back up these thoughts. “Evidence” can be absolutely anything, a look or something said, or objects I see that will somehow trigger off a bizarre and labyrinthine chain of thought. Any such piece of “evidence” that comes my way will be processed and re-processed maybe fifty times, and looked at from every possible angle, and combined with any other existing pieces of “evidence” before being placed carefully into a type of mental archive to retrieve again at a later date. I have had a couple of ex-boyfriends who I pretty much squeezed information out of, trying to dispel my obsessions, but anything I heard that didn’t quite fit into my schema or the stories I had fabricated in my mind just made the obsessions worse.

About 4 months ago now, these thoughts suddenly really grabbed hold of me again in a relationship with a new partner, and started to manifest themselves every day and in all areas of my life. I first thought they had been triggered by stress from work, but I know it is not just that. I try and let the stuff out by keeping a diary, which I now write in very often, where I just let everything out that comes into my head. Shame the entire diary is pretty much just devoted to my OCD torment now, I don’t really list details of nice things that I do. To me my diary is like a friend, a confidante who I can tell anything without fear of judgment and let my thoughts out so that they can stop ricocheting inside my head. The thoughts must appear so bizarre and irrational to other people, apart from fellow OCD sufferers I guess, but that’s it – we are not rational, no matter how hard we try – our brains are hard-wired to look for any trace of doubt or “evidence”, as I see it, that something is amiss in a situation and to then rehash and rehash this piece of information and combine it with other pieces of information and search for any inconsistencies that exist. There are no absolute answers though, and no truth can never come from this process, and that’s what is hard to accept.

As a result, I am not afraid to fall in love, but there is always a barrier there as my self-defense mechanism, it’s like I am preparing myself for the worst and for being hurt, I even rehearse phrases and scenarios in my head so if someone hurt me, I know what I would say and how I would react. I am trying to get better, I am trying not to “check” things and to look for “evidence” but it is hard. I think I used to be worse though, I would go through my ex-boyfriends’ rooms actually opening drawers and looking for anything that would show they were in a relationship with someone else. If I found an old letter or photograph or something, it was a sickening feeling but in a creepy way almost also a feeling of triumph, in the sense of “Aha! I knew it!” And I think that was the OCD feeling like it had been proven right. It is crazy because the things I store in my head are totally inconsequential to most people, but to me they are everything, I wish I could just wipe the slate clean. I am not like this constantly, but I would say I get a couple of “pangs” and one pretty big attack at least once a day most days, where the thoughts can be whirling around for anything from half an hour to most of the night, depending on the situation and environment. In my current relationship, things started off really rosy and perfect, but then the horrible OCD reared its head a few months back and then I got mega insecure and pretty much had a breakdown as a result, I just could not stand to be in social situations any more. It’s weird, now when I am out somewhere in the pub, on the phone or sitting in the kitchen at home I can have a conversation but my mind is somewhere else completely, so I can say the right thing almost on autopilot while my head is totally full of confusing, repetitive and destructive thoughts. I can still function fairly normally on the surface, even though the torment I feel inside is so immense. I want, I really want to just be able to relax and to focus on the conversations I have with people. I do not want to be consumed with jealousy and fear and obsession any more. I want to enjoy my life finally, and not look at people with suspicion and doubt in my mind, but to just enjoy their company and to believe that they actually mean me no harm.

As an afterthought, I have also recently tried to get a little more into Buddhism, I read another guy’s story on the page and I totally agree that it is a good approach for recognizing your thoughts for what they are - they are not the truth, and all they are doing is blinding you to what is real. I know this is logical, still, I really have to control myself and focus hard to realize that all this pain is coming from within myself.

For the vertical jump from a seated position.

My computer blew up. Literally. Loud bang. Smoke. And the house mains tripped off. That’s a relatively catastrophic computer failure.

I don’t know if it took out the mother board or not as it’s a proprietary power supply (Sony Vaio). So I can’t just stick another one in there easily. So I went into debt (for the next decade or so) and picked up a new system. Also decided since I was getting a new system get it with Vista (with some trepidation). I have to say I don’t regret that at all. It runs great with no problems. I basically got a gaming system with no proprietary crap in it so it will be very easy to swap out parts and stuff for the foreseeable future.

All that is to say I am still here and back online. It’s amazing how big a part of my life using a computer is. Didn’t really notice until I didn’t have one…

This is really interesting. It points to something not working correctly that had not been suspected in OCD before. And it was apparently serendipitous as well.

Gene Triggers Obsessive Compulsive Disorder-Like Syndrome in Mice: Study Suggests New Treatment Targets: National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS)
Using genetic engineering, researchers have created an obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) - like set of behaviors in mice and reversed them with antidepressants and genetic targeting of a key brain circuit. The study, by National Institutes of Health (NIH) -funded researchers, suggests new strategies for treating the disorder.

Just want to tell my story.

I’m 25 and I’ve had OCD my whole life.

First of let me start by saying I have never been treated for OCD. All the progress I have made has come from me making myself stop doing the things I was doing. I still suffer from OCD but not nearly as much as I use to. I have pretty much had OCD for as long as I can remember.

It started when for some reason I thought there was some evil or wrong with my brother so every time he touched me I would wipe where he touched me with my hand and then I tried to blow the “bad” off my fingers. Eventually it developed into other stuff. When I said my prayers at night I had to say it perfectly or I would have to start over until I did it perfectly, and that included looking at the religious picture in my room “perfectly”. I thought if I didn’t God would punish me, that was the only reasoning I had. That usually took up a good hour. Then I had to take 4 steps into my bed with both feet and I had to step on the ground evenly, or basically so it felt the same with both feet when I touched. I was obsessed with doing things in 4’s or multiples of 4. I had to check the back of my headboard to make sure there were no spiders or monsters behind my bed and when I did, if I touched it, I would have to touch it perfectly with the other hand. I was usually up for hours doing this rituals, and if I didn’t do them I would be scared to go to bed.

All the time I knew what I was doing was irrational but I didn’t feel right if I didn’t do them. It’s like you think your crazy but then you think how can I be crazy if I am aware I’m crazy??? For a little kid this was emotional hell. My family never knew about all this, I kept it secret because I was embarrassed. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep back then. These rituals would go on for years, like touching the light switch perfectly with both hands, fixing pictures or crosses so they are perfectly aligned, checking to make sure my door is locked multiple times.

I never really had a cleanliness issue, like washing my hands all the time, but as I got older I find myself to be a pretty anal about having a clean apartment. But that doesn’t take up much time and I don’t obsess about it that much. Basically my reasoning for most of this other than the religious thing was that I was just scared and I would grow out of it when I got older. So when I got older I pretty much forced myself to stop doing those things. It was very gradual and very hard but I succeeded. I still suffer from mild OCD and I’m sure I could use some help but in general it doesn’t affect my life nearly as much as it use to. Basically as long as it doesn’t keep my up at night I’m ok.

Going to college and having a roommate definitely helped me out cause I would never show my OCD in front of other people so all my rituals pretty much stopped then. I catch myself sometimes but then I make myself not finish the process like if I’m about to step evenly with both feet I make myself stop no matter how much I want to finish. It’s hard but you need to have will power and just say to yourself that is OK and nothing bad will happen, its all in your mind. I’d say the hardest part about OCD is that you suffer alone. It really screws up your self esteem. I really wish I knew what OCD was early in life so I didn’t think I was crazy…one of my friends told me I had OCD in college when in a conversation I let some things out. After that it has been a matter of breaking the habits