I can’t say if you have OCD or not. Though clearly you have a problem with anxiety that is inappropriate. I’m just a guy with OCD but my best advice would be to get checked out by a doctor/therapist that is knowledgeable about OCD.

The thought patterns you describe could easily be OCD. But OCD is “normal” anxiety/thought patterns that get way out of control. The attempts to relive the anxiety is where we OCD folks get into trouble as these become our compulsions. Which for many are more problematic then the obsessions.

As you have already identified your anxiety as being unrealistic that’s a great first step. So seeking help would be of great benefit to you. All forms of anxiety can be treated, even OCD, if you are willing to put in the work. Which can be difficult. But living free is certainly worth the effort

Thank you for being so open.
Lurette

This past summer I began chatting with my boisterous, ill mannered, albeit friendly african american neighbor lady. She was easy going and always bummed smokes off me. She was unemployed and had three kids so I figured I’d help a sister out right? Turns out she died at the end of the summer in her sleep to pneumonia. My best friend and neighbor (best friend before moving in), who is more outspoken and witty than I had endured many a long conversation with her, told me after she had died that our neighbor lady had been afflicted with HIV and Hep C!

On the one note I was scared because I had interacted with her so naturally without precautions. And I was going through it in my head to visualize all the times we were together, how much physical contact had I ended up exchanging with her. But I was also outraged that my best friend of 3 years had failed to give me a critical health detail about this woman. I was and am still so so mad at her because of this and various other things.

Well it’s February now and I decided it’s been six months so I’ll get tested. I went through the same process at the testing place, “What if the nurse used an infected needle”, “All healthcare places need sick people to make money right?”, “What if I see other people with it and they are in the waiting room?” I can’t bare to think of it all, now I need to wait a week ‘or two’ for the results.

By the way I have OCD that’s been on and off since I was 16 (I’m 20 now). One of my biggest fears when I got my liscence was that I would definately run over someone and not notice, killing the pedestrian only to find a warrant for my arrest and life sentence in jail. It’s taken years of denying these thoughts to come and bother me. With the rising cost of gas I couldn’t afford to drive around and check anymore. So I think now I needed something to focus my attentions on. But that isn’t saying much, those tests are expensive too.

I started suffering from panic disorder on a disabilitating level two and a half years ago. It started with a panic of loosing all my money, not being able to support the one that I loved, failing her. Then, it eventually formed into thoughts of that very person who I loved not loving me anymore. Not wanting me. These thoughts trumped my fear of loosing money. Then I convinced myself so well that she didn’t want me anymore that it did in fact eventually lead to her not wanting me anymore. For the last two years I have blamed myself and this disorder for the demise of a relationship with someone that I loved more than anything in the world. In seeps the deep depression that I now suffer with.

All these thoughts that circle in my head became a reality because I forced them to be. I made my thoughts be real because that is how I controlled them.

The straw that broke the camel’s back finally came a month ago when I convinced myself that I could have contracted AIDs. It wasn’t until then that I knew that this disorder went far beyond freudian theories of a damaged childhood that caused my panic disorder. For the last two years I have spent hours in a psychiatrists office picking apart every misfortune that may have contributed to this constant state of panic. I knew in my heart, in my head, with all of my logic… that I hadn’t contracted AIDs. But logic alone couldn’t fight this overwhelming fear that I had to hide behind a facade of normalcy. It was eating me alive from the inside out. I knew it was just my mind creating these fears! But I couldn’t fight them. I lost over 10lbs in two weeks just being scared. I ate normally, but couldn’t retain any weight. I had finally hit absolute rock bottom. I was loosing my will to live! Am I going to generate a fear of every possible thing that could bring happiness to my life? Can I no longer spend money, find love, enjoy sex? There was no way I was going to live life like this. I became a hermit, hiding myself from infecting others. Not hugging my family. I was absolutely miserable. All in the period of two weeks I had removed myself from society, only functioning at work out of necessity to maintain some sort of routine. I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts, but I couldn’t be around anyone that I could potentially harm. I had never been so miserable in my life. I feared getting an AIDs test because I didn’t want to go in a place where people potentially had AIDs. But, in a complete panic, 10 minutes before the clinic closed, I walked into the clinic with my shoulders sunk down and my head pointed at the floor and asked for a test. Then I asked how long it would take to get the results, hoping deep down inside that they would have the quick test. Nope, it would take two weeks. The people behind the counter immediately saw the fear in my face as all the blood drained leaving me a pail white. They asked if it would be ok. The only thing I could say is that I have sever panic disorder and don’t think I could live with not knowing for that long, fearing that I would self distruct even further into a empty shell of the extroverted person I had once been. They said to me,”don’t worry, we will help you through this.” They didn’t even know who I was, nor I them. But I felt security in this. I trusted them. They took me back and went through a questionaire. Do I use intravenous drugs? No…. Do I have homosexual sex? No…. Etc… The clinician looked at me with all sincerity and said, “If I were your friend and you told me you would be coming here to get a test, I would tell you that you are crazy.” For an instance I felt a release. Then he told me the statistics of AIDs in my area and how I was merely in a 0.01% risk group.

All of these facts, all of this logic, should have set my heart at ease. If my mind could only not rationalize every possible scenario. Even after all of the clarification of facts and the reassurance to all my ruminations there was no way of beating down this fear. I spent the two weeks in near complete isolation. Didn’t touch anyone. Aching inside to feel normal again.

After two weeks of pure torture, the results came. I was clear! The clinician gave me the ‘I told you so’s’. And I went on my way.

I went to a therapist, for a different view on my thoughts. She took spent ten minutes with me and said, “How long have you had OCD”. I don’t have OCD I thought…. Then I went home and thought about all of the weird things that I have worried about since I was a child. All of which I won’t share, as I find it easy to take on other’s fears when i read about them.

Seeking out an expert in my area, I found one of the best doctors I have ever encountered. He immediately educated me on how this process would work, gave no false promises, blew no smoke up my ass. But the thing that he said to me that brought me to tears was,” All of what you are feeling must be so painfull.” Yes, yes, yes! I had never thought about it that way. My mind was able to fabricate such fears that it made my life painful to live.

Long story short, behavioral therapy has been a godsend to me in the very very short time that I have had it. I can begin to seperate my fears from my realities. Yes, I’m taking medication. But only Wellbutrin. Why is that? Wellbutrin offset the depression that was being caused by my anxiety, and gave me energy to function again. But medicine is an individual decision. I have read to many of these forums looking for the short answer to a long term problem, the secret that will clear me of all of this torture. Well, it isn’t there. The only answer is to commit yourself to making it better. Whether it be the combination of medicine and therapy, the reorganization of how you function on a daily basis, or the admission to yourself that this problem is one that you can learn to live with… I believe that once I am given the tools to combat this problem I will only gain strength far beyond people who don’t deal with it. I will be able to live a more normal life than someone who has never had to come face to face with a fear of the unknown.

Knowing that others deal with this only gives me strength, these forums help. But the only true answer to recovery is admitting that there is no quick solution to this problem and with work and time we can all live normal lives again.

Hell, this disorder has given both blessings and misfortune. I am successful in my life, work hard, and have a loving family. I strive to make others feel good. Still single at 30, but hope to have someone I could one day love. But what I want is the healthy balance of being a outwardly good person as well as one who looks after myself. OCD gives us a heightened sense of the world around us, a concious view of our coexistence. If the whole world worried about hurting others as much as we do there would certainly be a lot more peace!
(I’ve even heard that people with OCD exceed in intelligence far beyond the norm… maybe not in spelling, but that was never my strong suit). You are all held in my prayers.

on a lighter note, maybe OCD is the true antivirus to AIDs anyway :)