My OCD started when I was 7 years old. When I was supposed to be asleep one night, I couldn’t stop counting to 100 and I started crying.

I’m now 30 and OCD still plagues my mind. I’m not counting as much as I did when I was young, but instead most of my compulsions take the form of reassurances. I always ask family members “Are you SURE it’s ok if…” and feel the need to ask over and over and over. There is no satisfying my need to have reassurance of my doubt. I always worry that I didn’t lock the door correctly or left the hamburger meat out too long. If I have any doubt at all about contamination, I always throw away the food and scrub my hands. That keeps me from worrying the whole day whether or not I’m going to develop E. coli or make a family member ill. I know the thoughts are irrational, and sometimes I even laugh at the absurdity of them. But I feel as though I’m a slave to them. My mind is so creative that it convinces me that something bad will actually happen if I don’t follow through with my compulsions. After all, what if one day I DID leave the hamburger meat out to thaw for too long and it spoiled, and it got family members sick? I would feel horrible because I could have prevented it! OCD doesn’t always have such a tight grasp of me, mainly during times of stress. I’m very glad there is a site like this for us doubting Thomases!

The content in this post is mirrored from my original OCD site here;

When I was 13 all these horrible thoughts came out of the blue.

The first thought was my mind telling me that I wanted to molest my little cousin, then my mind started telling me that I was a lesbian even though I had never been physically attracted to a girl before. Then my mind started telling me that I wanted to murder my family. One horrible obsession after another. I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought I might murder my family in my sleep. I would envision the cops coming and taking me away and spending the rest of my life in prison. I love my family so much and I am not violent person. I couldn’t understand where these thoughts were coming from and I was so ashamed so of course I didn’t tell anybody.

I started telling my mother that I was depressed and I wanted to kill myself. My parents sent me to therapists and I told them the thought about murdering my family and I begged them to put me in a hospital because I was afraid that if I stayed home any longer I would murder them in my sleep. The therapists decided to hospitalize me because they thought I was a threat to myself and others, they thought I was crazy. the people on the psych ward assigned a child psychiatrist to may case and that’s when I met Dr.Sobel. She saved my life. Within 5 minutes of our first meeting she diagnosed me with obsessive compulsive disorder and immediately started me on and anti-depressant called imipramine. I was released from the hospital 3 weeks later, took the medication for 6 months and it didn’t really help that much. The thoughts subsided a little and I went into remission for five years, all this time I had been seeing Dr.Sobel on an outpatient basis.

Then when I was 18, it was my first semester in college, I had a major relapse. I signed up for some kind of psychology course where we were allowed to pick certain books to read and write a paper on them. I made the sad mistake of choosing to read “Helter Skelter”, the Charles Manson story. Reading this triggered the thought of murdering my family and I stopped reading the book half way through hoping that if I stopped reading it, the thought would go away but of course it didn’t and the damage was done. The horrible thought was in my head for 3 months. I started having really bad anxiety attacks and couldn’t sleep and I started thinking about suicide again because I would rather hurt myself than my family and I thought that the only way these crazy thoughts would stop is if I killed myself. I couldn’t function anymore and I was on the brink of being hospitalized again. At the time, there was a new anti-depressant on the market called Anafranil and Dr. Sobel prescribed that to me. At first I was skeptical because the other medication she put me on five years ago didn’t help but Dr.Sobel told me that this medication was better and it had just become legal in the united states. I was so desperate for the thoughts to go away so I tried it. She told me that within 4 to 6 weeks the thoughts would be subsiding. The side affects were absolutely horrible. For three day I suffered from severe nausea and dizziness but finally the side effects went away and week later the thoughts were completely gone! I couldn’t believe it! I was finally cured! I continued to take the medication for 8 years and went off it 2 years ago.

I am happy to say that I have not had any of those disturbing thoughts in 10 years. I will always struggle with this disease because there really isn’t a cure, I still obsess about things like a career and everyday things but I can deal with those thoughts and I am somewhat of a checker and I’m always worrying about something, it’s just part of the illness which I am not ashamed to talk about anymore because I know I’m not alone and I’m not crazy. I wanted to share my story with you and all the other obsessive-compulsives out there because I want other people who suffer from this disease to know that they are not alone. If you or anybody else would like to e-mail me my address is bburgio916@hotmail.com

The content in this post is mirrored from my original OCD site here;

I am a 30 year old woman with 3 children, my first experience with OCD I was 19 years old and it was on Thanksgiving Day. For as long as I live I will never forget that day.

I went up to take a nap and when I woke up my life would never be the same. From that moment on I would have a thought in my head and this thought would take over my life. For every waking moment I would think this same thought over and over…..

I would soon dream this thought out in my dreams. So all I did was think about this and cry cause I know I’m not, but why God did I keep thinking about it. So I went to the Hospital, depressed and crying, all I could say to the Dr. was I just want it to stop, Please make it stop and I cried and cried. Then out of no where I said I feel like shooting them away. Shoot these damn thoughts away. Big mistake they called down a Psychiatrist and would not let me leave, next thing you know I am sitting in the Rescue Crises.

I would see a Psychiatrist again in the morning. I told him I had no Idea what he was talking about and I never really meant to say it and he let me go. I would keep this to myself for the next two years and I would bite myself so the thought would leave my head…The harder I bit the better I felt I thought I was so crazy and could tell no one.

Looking back I think I had always suffered from this disorder. First when I was really young 6-11 I would obsess about death. I lived with my Great-grandmother and she was very old.” in her 80’s” so I prayed she would not die 24-7.

Then it was my weight I was chunky and my brother teased me so I went on Diet after diet. Then I would make my self get sick all the time. Then I obsessed about the way I looked constantly checking the mirror, putting make up on.

Then I obsessed about being popular. I am not talking about normal teenager stuff It went far beyond this. It was an obsession.

I would worry about what I has said through the day and if it was stupid. I would worry people didn’t like me. I was more concerned with what people thought, more than what mad me happy. And I would obsess and obsess…. I would obsess over cleaning my house, making everything perfect all the time constantly over and over.

But I never knew, even though I knew something was wrong with me and there had always been something wrong. I was not a normal child.

But I had never obsessed to the point of wanting to die until. Thanksgiving 1990.

I tried to kill myself 3 times. I hated my life and everyone normal. So I mostly hung around losers, druggie’s and then I became one I lost My marriage my children and many years of my life.

I am now 30 and have been on Prozac, Effexor and Trazadone. I am at last Happy and Content. I will always be on meds and still go to therapy. I know so much of my illness is Genetic,and also because of the abuse I went through as a child.( whole other story)

But, I am also grateful because I wouldn’t be me if I had not went through this I fell passion and love and I feel for others I have true empathy and true devotion to me and my family. And I take everyday one day at a time.

And I happen to finally like my self.

I hope this will help………….Tina.

The content in this post is mirrored from my original OCD site here;

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