Wow, it is amazing to read everyones different experiences. It gives me a sense that I am not alone.

My story is a long one, but I will try to condense it. When I was sixteen years old I was raped by an older man at a party, while heavily intoxicated. What makes it worse is, I was a virgin. Anyway, I didn’t really realise that it was rape until a year later. I was sitting in class six months later when I saw a sign about HIV. That was when I had my first panic attack. I really thought I was going to die because I remembered the incident and put two and two together. Besides the guy who raped me, was into drugs and a pretty devious character. I ran straight to the school nurse and told her my situation. I asked her “how likely do you think it is that I contracted HIV?” Her words resonate with me even today. She replied “very likely.” The drive home on the bus was a total blur I was in shock.

Long and short, I had an HIV test (my parents went with me, although obviously in shock.) That week waiting for the test was the WORST WEEK OF MY LIFE! I sat on the end of my bed, feeling incredibly guilty and like I deserved what I got. I clutched onto my Bible and prayed that I would be ok. I think that’s when OCD came into play. I kept asking and praying “god will I be ok?” “send me a sign”. Over and over and over
and over and over again….Funny thing is my father (who is a priest) came in right after one of my prayers, and proceeded to dance saying “all will be well, yes all will be well….” A true God send if you ask me.

For two years after that event I had numerous HIV tests, all negative. But then I would find myself in situations where I would think I had contracted it. So then I would go for another test. This behavior
went on and on. I eventually stopped having tests, but it was always in the back of my mind.

Sixteen years later I still have contamination fears. But now it has progressed to worrying that I will get up in the middle of the night and drink poison. So I tie up all my cleaning solutions so I can’t get to them. I can’t stand blood also. If I see blood I start to freak out. I can’t even handle it when my husband bleeds. I worry that he will get HIV because he has cuts on his hands often and he might come into contact with someone’s blood. The list of paranoid thoughts goes on. Sometimes I think I am the only one in the world who thinks of these things. I constantly fear needles as well. And I also have paranoid thoughts about other people. I annoyed a nurse the other day and I am worried she may try to harm me, she knows where I live too!

I have been to counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and even tried “spiritual healing.” Well, I am sad to say that neither has worked. I am currently not on medication and haven’t been for many years. I just
live one day at a time, hoping not to get into any OCD provoking situations. Its by no means the life I always wanted for myself. But on the bright side, I have a husband that is very understanding and a family that supports me and they have come to accept that I have some weird stuff that I do sometimes.

To the outside world, I am “normal.” I have hidden this disease incredibly well. The only people that know are my family and husband. I am ashamed to have this. No doubt my past has a lot to do with the
progression of my OCD.

My name is John and I have OCD, It’s taken me quite a while to admit to it. 35 years. Phew. I have had anxiety on and off throughout my life but OCD in in the latter part of my life. It’s triggered by stress so if I get really run down then out comes the OCD dragon.

There is a history of sexual abuse in my family. My sister was sexually abused by my Grandad and another sister was sexually assaulted. From the trauma of this I have to deal with a lot of sexual obsessions relating to abuse or anything to do with sex. As a gay man this is very distressing and takes a lot of energy to let go of some of the thoughts that come up. I know they are false but they feel so real when it’s bad.

Some things that happen are when I’m walking past women I will look at their breasts and think what if I reached up to them. Then I will wonder why I’m even looking at breasts when I’m a gay man!

I might have a word stuck in my head like women genitals or a song. My compulsion is too figure the thought out so I will go back over time and try and figure out why I’m thinking such a disgusting obscene thought.

I’ve just recently found out OCD brains are a little different to regular ones. I’ve ordered a book from my local bookshop called “Brain Lock” by Jeffery Schwartz which I think will help me.

My therapist puts it this way. Having these thoughts proves what a beautiful and loving individual I am as I am so appalled by them, especially when they relate to people I love. It proves I’m overly responsible and kind. These thoughts are so in contrast with my own personal values.

What’s happened with me is that love and sex have become confused and mixed up. If I think how much I love someone dearly, sex might come into the thought. Very distressing as you can imagine but that’s what sexual abuse can do in a family.

My Mother and sister had/ has bad OCD so it’s definitely a gene thing to a degree. I’m just so relieved that people talk about it now especially sexual obsessions as to admit to them is quite painful but the start of healing.

Some other obsessions I have had are:

Thinking I could abuse baby’s or my sisters.
Linking flower smells to sex.
Women in skirts.
Knives or pointed items. Thinking they are phallic like. (I was involved in a knife point hold up at a hotel I worked at in my 20′s)
Feeling strange at parks with kids there. Wondering if mothers are thinking what’s that man doing there on his own.
Hot water. Thinking I might scald someone with my cup of tea.
Bad religious thoughts.
Bodily fluids, urine and faeces mixed up in thoughts and related to food.

I used medication when I had a bad episode when I was 30 for three months and then went off it gradually and decided to go it alone just with my own brain. I had to learn to relax, walking, yoga, guided meditation time out to myself. Anything that made me feel calmer helped long term.

This is just a small part of my story. Thanks to all the other stories here. They have helped me to realise it’s not just me and that was the biggest relief. I have OCD and that’s ok. Life goes on. Good luck to you all. We are family all my OCD brothers, sisters and me.