Hi all. I’m 28 years old, happily married with 2 beautiful boys. My obsessions are many, but my most recurring, and most terrifying, is the one about my husband dying in a car accident. He has a very long commute, an hour there and anywhere from an hour and a half to two hours + back, depending on the traffic. Pure agony. He’s driving back from work as I type this, and I’m checking the California Highway Patrol traffic incident page. I either have to do that until he comes home, or I have to be on the phone with him. I will literally freeze up, hyperventilate, cry, panic, heart racing if I can’t constantly check to make sure he’s okay.

I used to have the same obsessions about my children while they were at daycare when I was working (not a car accident, obviously, but an earthquake, kidnapper, you name it). I’m a SAHM now, so they’re constantly with me, and I’m so afraid to pass this horrible THING off on them. I *think* I’m very careful at hiding it most of the time, though. My husband doesn’t even know a fraction of the extent of it, because most of it goes on in my head, so I guess that I hide it well. But I feel you. It’s agony. And that’s only one of my obsessions. It’s the most frequent and time consuming of them all.

And I’ve noticed that they get worse when ANYTHING positive happens, even if we work hard for it. We found a great deal on an apartment in a really nice area with a really great elementary school, and we got approved. We move on Saturday. I’ve been waiting for the “inevitable” awful thing to happen. Then I’ll try to talk myself down, saying “it’s definitely your OCD. Everything will be fine.” Then my OCD demon will pipe in “Maybe I’m getting a bad feeling for a reason. Maybe I’m sensing
imminent doom.” You get the idea. For hours that can go on in my head. I’ll be up all night, checking to make sure my husband is breathing, checking on my children to make sure they are breathing and
that they haven’t been kidnapped.

As I type this, I realize how crazy it all sounds. But it feels so real. I actually always EXPECT something horrible and catastrophic happening. I’m wasting my life, and it really is such a wonderful life. Beautiful life, with lots of wonderful people in it. Any girl would be lucky to have all that I do. I’m just afraid of losing it all, and I can’t tell anyone about the extent of my mental state, because I fear that I’ll lose my children and husband or end up in a psych ward. I’m really terrified that I’m really really crazy, and that if I tell anyone, or even let on how I truly think a lot of the time (not really all the time. It cycles a lot. Sometimes I’m relatively “normal”) that I’ll get put
into a mental institution and be declared unfit as a mother. My family is my world, and I want my children to have the best of everything. I love them so much. And sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve them. Very very painful.

I have read some of your very harrowing stories about identifying OCD, treating and coping strategies.

My Story is not of me, but my husband, I’ll try to explain myself best I can. When I met him 3 years ago, he told me he use to get very dry skin on his hands and that was caused by keeping them in water all the time, he told me at the time, this was from his building work and mixing cement etc. He did tell me at this time about his obsession with cleaning and having a clutter free room. I was fine with it, didn’t really think any think of it at the time.

Today 3 years on I think it may have altered, He is not the same man I married he has a new obsession about mountain biking downhilling to be precise. He can not go an hour with out seeing a mountain bike, be it either on the lap top downloading videos, watching dvd, riding his own bike, buying parts until he has no money left, he has dreams about downhiling. Its getting between us. We only see each other on weekends due to our jobs, yet he feels im keeping him from doing his biking as I’m there on weekends. (I asked him not to go once, as it was our 1st anniversary) I haven’t heard the end of it since!

I’ve read through the web about the categories it can be put in. yet I’m not sure which one he could be, as its about an object (Bike) or the action (Biking) I don’t know?

I am worried I may be the cause as he brings up petty things I have said 7 months ago, he can’t seem to forgive or forget either? I feel like its me that’s the cause and it’s making me feel like I should let him go if I’m the problem, then he’ll get better right? I have now pointed him in the direction of the doctors, as he feels its all getting too much, hopefully that will start the healing process and get down to the bottom of what the trigger is for him, so we can get on with our marriage and live our lives the way we want to, not the way OCD wants us to.

Wow, it is amazing to read everyones different experiences. It gives me a sense that I am not alone.

My story is a long one, but I will try to condense it. When I was sixteen years old I was raped by an older man at a party, while heavily intoxicated. What makes it worse is, I was a virgin. Anyway, I didn’t really realise that it was rape until a year later. I was sitting in class six months later when I saw a sign about HIV. That was when I had my first panic attack. I really thought I was going to die because I remembered the incident and put two and two together. Besides the guy who raped me, was into drugs and a pretty devious character. I ran straight to the school nurse and told her my situation. I asked her “how likely do you think it is that I contracted HIV?” Her words resonate with me even today. She replied “very likely.” The drive home on the bus was a total blur I was in shock.

Long and short, I had an HIV test (my parents went with me, although obviously in shock.) That week waiting for the test was the WORST WEEK OF MY LIFE! I sat on the end of my bed, feeling incredibly guilty and like I deserved what I got. I clutched onto my Bible and prayed that I would be ok. I think that’s when OCD came into play. I kept asking and praying “god will I be ok?” “send me a sign”. Over and over and over
and over and over again….Funny thing is my father (who is a priest) came in right after one of my prayers, and proceeded to dance saying “all will be well, yes all will be well….” A true God send if you ask me.

For two years after that event I had numerous HIV tests, all negative. But then I would find myself in situations where I would think I had contracted it. So then I would go for another test. This behavior
went on and on. I eventually stopped having tests, but it was always in the back of my mind.

Sixteen years later I still have contamination fears. But now it has progressed to worrying that I will get up in the middle of the night and drink poison. So I tie up all my cleaning solutions so I can’t get to them. I can’t stand blood also. If I see blood I start to freak out. I can’t even handle it when my husband bleeds. I worry that he will get HIV because he has cuts on his hands often and he might come into contact with someone’s blood. The list of paranoid thoughts goes on. Sometimes I think I am the only one in the world who thinks of these things. I constantly fear needles as well. And I also have paranoid thoughts about other people. I annoyed a nurse the other day and I am worried she may try to harm me, she knows where I live too!

I have been to counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and even tried “spiritual healing.” Well, I am sad to say that neither has worked. I am currently not on medication and haven’t been for many years. I just
live one day at a time, hoping not to get into any OCD provoking situations. Its by no means the life I always wanted for myself. But on the bright side, I have a husband that is very understanding and a family that supports me and they have come to accept that I have some weird stuff that I do sometimes.

To the outside world, I am “normal.” I have hidden this disease incredibly well. The only people that know are my family and husband. I am ashamed to have this. No doubt my past has a lot to do with the
progression of my OCD.