Fact I know; and Law I know; but what is this Necessity, save an empty shadow of my own mind’s throwing?
Thomas Henry Huxley (1825–95), English biologist.

Part 2

Though under-employed, I was able to hold a job and eventually remarried and adjusted to not being able to do most of the things I wanted. So life continued until my drinking became more problematic than the reasons I was drinking.

Then I got sober.

When I did, everything fell apart. Along with experiencing all of those thing’s one goes through in recovery from alcoholism, the OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) exploded, wildly out of control. For the first time I sought help. I did not know that what I had was a disorder or that others had it or that there was treatment available. I just thought I was crazy.

It’s been ten years now since diagnosis and the start of treatment. I have tried all the current medications(5) singly and in combinations and Behavior Therapy(6). Success has been fleeting and temporary but I have not yet lost hope. Since that time I lost my career and the ability to hold even the most meaningless job. The OCD I strive to manage is considered severe, there is virtually no time during the day that it is not effecting my life. Not only am I a “washer,” but I have “pure” or raw obsessions also. That aspect, the raw obsession, is probably the most distressing. I have no obvious, or at least successful behavior to stop the obsessing. There is no obvious behavior to confront, so treatment with behavior modification is hard to define. But today is a new day.

That’s the tale, in part. I do not know in what directions it will go, nor do I know the end. I will admit that the minimal gains I have made in reducing the symptoms of the disorder have been discouraging, especially when most people are able to achieve significant improvement with treatment. I will not despair. Today I know, most of the time, that the OCD is not me. It is just something that effects me. I can fight against that fact or apply the energy that would require to taking back my life each day. I have been able to achieve a measure of peace and am not unhappy. There is more to this tale, much more.

Over time, as these pages change more will appear. Some of it is found now on my other pages. It is my hope that this page, my story, will help to increase awareness. If one person, in stopping by here, finds something of themselves and seeks help, then the reasons for this page are met.

And where two raging fires meet together,
They do consume the thing that feeds their fury.
William Shakespeare

Dual Diagnosis

I’m not a psychiatrist,
or a therapist or even a social worker.
I’m just another recovering person who is striving to stay clean and sober today while managing a mental illness.
In that daily journey, I seek to protect and expand what serenity I have been able to achieve. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Serenity,
defined as, “the ability to accept life on life’s terms” has been found by
me in the practice of
balance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Balance,
between and within the 12-step program I work for recovery from addictions and the psychiatric program I work in managing my mental illness. Which does frequently require the use of medications.

Fortunately, for me, the medications used with any effectiveness for what I deal with are not addictive as such. Even so, I need to be careful. I needed to find and need to maintain a fully integrated approach to my recovery, balancing the needs of my recovery with the needs of managing the mental illness.

It requires honesty with my support structure in recovery and honesty about my addictions with the doctors and working with both groups to come up with an approach that works for me. This has not been easy to do.

I am very fortunate that the mental illness leaves me quite capable of making informed reasoned choices. The program I use for recovery is not designed to treat mental illness nor should it be used for such. It does what it is supposed to do very well. So I use it for just that, staying clean and sober. It is not going to do a thing specifically for my OCD (Obessive-Compulsive Disorder). The doctors and the behavior therapist are not going to keep me sober. If I do not use both, I will neither stay sober nor will I be able to continue managing my disorder.

I do not know how this page will develop or how my story will. There are many things I could talk about on Dual Diagnosis. There are many us out there and not many places to be with fellow travelers. I have been fortunate for the last few years to be a SYSOP in the CompuServe Recovery Forum, for the Dual Diagnosis section. I have learned a great deal from the others that frequent that corner of SoberSpace. Not the least of which is that there is a tremendous need for awareness and education both in the recovering communities and in the psychiatric communities.

There is hope for us Dual’s. At the time of this writing, I have a little over 11 years of continuous sobriety. If I had achieved that by myself, I could take a great deal of pride in that. Being human, I do take some pride in that. But I did not and could not have come this far without a great deal of support and help. It’s been a true adventure and will continue to be so.

Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult
Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)English Author

Addiction and Recovery and OCD

Most of us
are about as eager to be changed
as we were to be born,
and go through our changes in a similar state of shock.
James Baldwin (1924 – 87), U.S. author.

I am recovering from addiction, or alcoholism if you prefer ( alcohol being just the last of a long line of drugs I used), on the 12 step path. I do not speak for any of the fellowships. What I write here and on my other pages is just my experience. Take it for what it is worth. There are other paths of recovery from addiction, but I cannot speak of those not having any experience that I can pass on.

Good. The disclaimer is done. Let us move on to the good stuff.

Whenever I give a talk or share my experiences with newcomers, I am almost always a little hesitant to share what my early recovery was like. My experience of early recovery, say the first 18 months or so, was not pretty nor very typical. I am Dual Diagnosed. In other words I am an addict and mentally ill with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). “Self-medicating,” using alcohol and other drugs in part to mask the symptoms of OCD, kept me out there a long time after I knew I was an alcoholic. When I stopped drinking, the disorder I live with and just being newly sober and emotionally raw, made life very difficult. My marriage fell apart, I lost my job, had no place to live that I could call my own. All the stuff that is supposed to happen before you get sober. Things were so difficult for me my sponsor once announced to my home group that if I ever had a good day I would relapse. Only partly joking I believe.

Looking back, he might not have been too far off the mark. There have been times when the thought of going through all of that again (early recovery) has kept me sober. I think in many ways I am more afraid of that then of drinking again. All of that emotional turmoil, the pain and the rapid unraveling of the structure of my life, once glued together by my drinking, left me only one place to go to be OK. That was to the tables (that’s what we call meetings in this part of the world).

Why didn’t I just drink?

I am not sure I really know. I suppose, as we say,” It works if you work it”. Nothing major had happened at the point I got sober. I had not been arrested, my job was not in danger, nothing had occurred like that. I was just tired, tired of drinking in the dark. I was tired of just existing in this bleak winter world on which I lived. I was not living I was just existing.

I had tried everything else to find some measure of peace. I had tried marriage, religion, therapy, career changes and nothing had helped. I did not get sober to be happy. I tried sobriety to be just OK.

I knew I could always just go back to drinking, so I would stick it out just one more day. The chaos and pain of the change, forced me to embrace the program or drink.

I sought out those I saw around the program and fellowship that appeared to be OK or even happy and I asked them what they had done to get there. I then tried what they had.

I heard many things around the tables and still do, with which I do not agree. I try not to dismiss anything out of hand. I will just file it away as something that might be useful later.

I also sought outside help for my ocd diagnosis. The program does what it is intended to do very well but it is not a cureall. It does help keep me in a place where I can live with the other disorder and so does help with that in that fashion. Staying clean and sober and being clean and sober are just part of the program of recovery that I try to practice in my daily life. Without sobriety I would have no hope.

What I have been doing has, so far, proven successful. I have not picked up a drink since the day I walked through the doors to my first meeting, over 11 years ago. I am still mentally ill. Today, however, unless I choose otherwise I am OK.
That’s enough for now. This page and the others here will be always changing as the mood strikes me. It is my hope that I will be able to carry the message that has, not just saved my life, but given me a life.