Hi my name is “Tammy” and I do believe I have obsessive compulsive disorder as well as general anxiety disorder.

I remember as a small child I was continually preoccupied with weather or not we had enough food in the house, if we were running low on something I would stress until my mother replenished the supply. This still holds true 25 years later. I can not run out of any household supplies or I feel overwhelmed. I also have an obsession with fire I am 28 years old and have never lit a lighter or match. I remember whenever my mother would have a small grease fire on the stove, I would run out into the street to get away from the fire. I would not return until I was certain that the fire was out. While a teenager I remember never being able to fall asleep until my father woke up, I was prone to stay up and fire watch to keep us all safe. My obsession with fire has somewhat subsided, only due to the fact that I control my house environment with four smoke alarms, a CO2 detector, and fire extinguishers. And even though I know in my mind that is plenty my instincts tell me I need more.

My other obsession is with death. Everyday I am plagued with thoughts of death, that of loved ones and/or myself. I vision how I, as well as others, would cope. I can’t shake the feelings of sorrow and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to rid my head of these thoughts. I am sick. I worry continually about the actions I am taking as if they are my last, or someone I care abouts last. I never want to end anything on a bad note, for fear that I may never see them again due to death. I perform ritualistic tasks so that every time I leave everything will be constant. People think I am crazy. Am I? I also have doubt in myself, did I remember to lock the door? I can not rest until I get up and check my self every time the though enters my head, I feel that if I do not check this time it would be the time that I should have. The same goes for the stove, the water supplies in the basement, saying my prayers and thanking the Lord. If I think it I must do it, or it consumes me.

I am afraid of driving and every day my fear gets worse. I am afraid of having an accident, hurting someone else or hurting myself. I hardly drive now as a result and I have to be drove to work for two reasons the fear of driving and the ritual to keep things the same. When I do drive I am on edge afraid to do anything but drive straight. Turns, merges, lane changes bring on panic and the shakes. If by rare occasion I do drive I am afraid to take passengers for fear of getting them hurt in an accident. I also fear of making mistakes and not being perfect. It effects me because I try so hard at everything I appear clumsy. It is that I am only trying to do it as fast and perfect as possible so that I please people. My relationships have failed because I loved too much, and I now seek to get help and control from the monster within me, so I can regain my life. I want it back. And I hope it is not too late. I don’t know if my loved ones understand. They tease me and say I am nuts, if they only knew how close I am to that. They would eat their words.

I also have general Anxiety Disorder, I can’t stop planning everyday tasks. Not while visiting friends and family, while working, resting, relaxing or sleeping. The everyday routines hang in my thoughts. I plan out even the smallest details, and think about the what if’s. I plan for them too. I worry about stuff that the normal person would just do or not do. Dishes, dusting, making the bed etc., etc. all while working a full time job, I force myself to stay on top of all of this, to the point that I never get time to myself, because I never have enough time to squeeze everything in so it gets pushed off on to the next day and then with even more stuff to do I am even more stressed out. This cycle never ends I am never done! Everyday it is something.

I have not turned to illegal drugs or alcohol yet, I have no addiction there, I have started taking Paxil but it is too soon to tell if this will help, I do feel better and I need to get on the right track to recovery.

Hi

I’m not sure where to begin. It all began in 1997 when we moved. I had my first “attack” of anxiety. It came on so quickly I didn’t even know what it was. I suddenly was very afraid of dying and would imagine a funeral (my own) which would just make the anxiety worse. It felt like an impending doom sort of thing…like something really bad was going to happen and I would die as a result. They subsided quickly and I never gave them another thought. I just figured it was due to having a baby and a move and a job change. (The move was from Ohio to Florida) I began to build my life.

We built a house. I found a good job teaching at a private school. As I was driving to work on Jan. 21, 2000, I had a terrifying intrusive thought of suffocating my son with a pillow as he slept. This sent me into the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. I got to work and couldn’t pull myself together. I just kept thinking, “where did this horrible thought come from, and why can’t I stop thinking about it?” “What is wrong with me?” I was so embarrassed and terrified. I went to the dr. and was diagnosed with anxiety/depression. Before the attack my husband even noted something was wrong…I was moody, unpredictable. I didn’t tell a soul about the thought b/c I was sure they would lock me up and throw away the key. I then began to fear going to jail and obsessing about life in prison. I didn’t even tell the dr. until my follow-up visit. I went 3 days before telling anyone and lived in my own silent hell of anxiety and panic. I missed work. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was afraid that the thought would be carried out by myself–that somehow I would lose control and actually do it. This terrified me even more–and then I began obsessing about it and trying to get it to go away.

I am on a long road to recovery and discovery about myself. I am involved with a self help program called “Attacking Anxiety and Depression” by Lucinda Bassett. It has changed me–literally. I am not the person I was before the attack. I am getting better, but I still struggle sometimes. Some nights are ok, others are not, as tonight I am writing this at midnight. My husband works 3rd so I’m here alone with my son at night. This is when the anxiety is the worst. I have to do deep breathing and talk to myself. I am not a violent person. I love my son more than life. Why does this thought have so much control over me and why can’t I just make it go away….it’s almost as if you are dreaming except you are awake. You have no control over the thought process–just like you don’t have control over your dreams while you sleep.

I wanted to share my story b/c I am still learning more about myself. I have been told that I may have a form of OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), but I have not been officially diagnosed with the disorder. I find that telling people, even if they don’t understand or think I’m nuts is a very freeing experience. The more I talk about it, the less control the thought has in provoking the panic. I know that I would never harm my son–that’s what makes this so annoying. Why would I have the thought, and then why would I let it scare me so?

I hope this is of some help to anyone. I would love to have feedback of anyone in a similar situation, struggling with similar intrusive scary thoughts. I am happy to share, now knowing that I won’t go to jail b/c I have a disorder, and more importantly that people never act on these intrusive thoughts.

Thank you for allowing me to share, and please don’t judge me–this is not something that I chose to think about and now plagues me as I strive to become well.
Lisa

I know how you all feel, but in a different way.

It’s like you can’t believe anything you tell yourself because you might be wrong. Like just the thought or act of doing something wrong is such a big deal. But to me it is. I’m constantly obsessing if I said or did something WRONG. I might say something to someone and the minute I say it I worry that I might have said it in the wrong tone of voice or maybe I sounded stupid while I said it. So then I have to go back and try to explain to them what I really meant so I won’t hurt their feelings and look stupid to them. Because sometimes I think I grew up thinking that everything was a big deal. Don’t talk to loud or talk to much about yourself because it is wrong to do those things.

And being wrong is terrible. I feel like running through the streets saying “I’m wrong all the time so sue me and lock me up.” I also obsess if I said what I say to my daughter every time I talk to her is in the right tone of voice or if I am giving her the “right” advice about things. I feel very anxious most of the time because I am afraid I will screw her up. I try to rationalize to myself that there isn’t directions to life so I can relax, but then another thought asks “But there are directions to some things.” I have this on going argument with myself all the time trying to come to a conclusion about things so I won’t have anymore questions and then I will know it all so I would be at peace. I have a hard time excepting that there are no absolute answers to things. I also have to make sure I speak to my Mom and dad every day or kiss them everyday because incase they died I won’t feel guilty for not having done that. But then I am always wondering if I talked to them enough that day. And what is “enough.” Someone tell me so I’ll know so I won’t be wrong and won’t feel guilty. Everyone says “just do your best” and the thought goes “well, how do I do my best?” as if there are specific directions for doing your best.” How do you ever convince that questioning part of you that no one in the entire world knows what they are doing and that it just doesn’t matter. And then I think “well what does matter.” I feel like I’m nuts. But I think I’m just very afraid of screwing up. I have this conversation with myself every day while putting on make-up. “Why am I putting on this make-up? Is it because I think I’m ugly and I’m trying to hide myself? So I sit there and obsess whether or not to put this makeup on because if I did I would be afraid of betraying myself because wearing makeup just proves that you don’t like yourself and not liking yourself is wrong. So I try to rationalize that I need to look decent for work, and then again argue with myself that you can look decent without it. Sometimes I wish everyone could just walk around with no teeth and look like crap and no one would care. I know sometimes I think of suicide from this nonsense but then I am afraid I would go to hell and have this go on for eternity whereas if I die on God’s time frame I might go to heaven and find peace. Also I’m afraid if I killed myself I’d really screw up my daughter and I could never take the chance of doing that. So some fear is good. It’s sometimes good that I cant make a decision! I pray for everyone in the whole world everyday that have these types of problems and more. This problem has made me a very compassionate person and I feel you can never judge anyone for anything because you don’t know what they are going through. If we could all just learn to deal with the stupid fears that hold us back we could all be free. Good luck and prayers to you all.