Living Life

Life is never what you think, behind closed doors, doing things many hours a day, the feeling that you could lose control again at any minute.

The way my life goes one minute all is great and the next all is scary, horrible and time consuming.

This is the life of OCD the way it makes you feel, the anxiety it causes and the way we are.

I was Diagnosed with OCD at age 12, I had been fighting for a few years and also had depression at this point.

I was 9 when it first developed, my mother had just gone back to work and I had to get up early just to see her. This is the first time I have felt the horrible feeling.

The year I was turning 13 was horrible, at the age of 12 I was clinically depressed and didn’t want to be alive. They tried me on many different medications and finally decided on Zoloft. The world seemed like a strange place and I spent many hours doing rituals in the bathroom and my bedroom. It started with washing rituals, bathing and washing hands a couple of times a day, Then it started washing hands lots and then doing other things like opening and closing computer disk drive, touching the television and running up and down stairs. At the age of 16 I had rituals take over my life and that was all I did, no one could interrupt me or bother me, or I had to start counting over again, doing things as much as 9hrs a day. The world seemed small and I was in special needs classes at school because my attention was not there since I was sometimes tired in the middle of the day. Life began and my mood changed to a frightening, swearing, yelling mood and upset a lot of the time. Noises started to bother me and little interruptions became unbearable, the world changed. my world, I eventually moved out of special needs classes and on to regular school, but still did rituals at night and in the┬ámorning and after school before coming home. It took a lot of my time, I began to go for walks to the school 2 times a day, insisting on rides.

The years have progressed, I was on medication that wasn’t monitored until 18, hormones have never been right and life is difficult. Now at 27, I still have a horrible fear that I could lose control again. I am now seeing a psychiatrist and on Prozac and am finally monitored and making sure it never goes to the unbearable, unthinkable, horrible feeling, where your heart beats into your head and out of your chest because of the anxiety.

The world now seems brighter and better, then before and I no longer do things 9hrs a day but am down to 2.

This is my life, This is me.

The troubles and the tribulations, the unknown and the feelings that go along with them. Living with OCD, now and always trying to stay in control and at peace, with god, with myself and with others, and begin, one step at a time to do my best to seem as normal as possible. This is me and this is life with OCD. Never a dull moment.

Up at night, worried and alarmed at times, it may be nothing but it may be something I think I forgot to do or something that happened the day before. I have moved on and lived on, I have done rituals 9hrs a day, been depressed and used six bathrooms a day, at university, sounds horrible and frightening even to me. This is OCD, This is me.

A insistent, independent and dependable individual, a person who doesn’t know how to move on, and forward, the world may be brighter and better, but I still have OCD and still struggle day to day. Keeping positive and trying. Waiting for the world to be at peace. This is life, this is me. This is OCD, the monster within. Able to live and the able to do things but
it is still there, it is still threatening and frightening, scary and unusual, even to me. My life and OCD.

Story submitted by Jay


Living Life — 1 Comment

  1. When I was reading this, it felt like I was reading something I had written. It’s such a horrible thing to suffer with. My family and friends don’t seem to understand how I feel. I try to be happy but I can’t seem to be or feel I don’t deserve to be happy. You try to suppress the thoughts and the things you do but they seem to never end. You smile and people automatically believe that you are happy but in reality you don’t want people to see how you truly feel. You don’t want to leave the house because you’re afraid and I too feel that the world is small. I was in special education classes and dropped out because I was bullied and had a hard time focusing and couldn’t seem to get the work done because it was too challenging for my brain to comprehend. I never had that many friends and when I did make an acquaintance they turned out to later stab me in the back and it really hurts to be treated like that because you are different. I feel okay sometimes but then I’m back to worrying again and it really upsets me. On sunny days it appears to me that it’s a rainy one and I try to escape by taking naps but I never seem to sleep and am panicking again. Sorry for writing a lot I thought I’d share how I felt and that you are not alone even when you feel you are. Merry Christmas!