The OCD Mind- My Personal Hell

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Hi all. I’m 28 years old, happily married with 2 beautiful boys. My obsessions are many, but my most recurring, and most terrifying, is the one about my husband dying in a car accident. He has a very long commute, an hour there and anywhere from an hour and a half to two hours + back, depending on the traffic. Pure agony. He’s driving back from work as I type this, and I’m checking the California Highway Patrol traffic incident page. I either have to do that until he comes home, or I have to be on the phone with him. I will literally freeze up, hyperventilate, cry, panic, heart racing if I can’t constantly check to make sure he’s okay.

I used to have the same obsessions about my children while they were at daycare when I was working (not a car accident, obviously, but an earthquake, kidnapper, you name it). I’m a SAHM now, so they’re constantly with me, and I’m so afraid to pass this horrible THING off on them. I *think* I’m very careful at hiding it most of the time, though. My husband doesn’t even know a fraction of the extent of it, because most of it goes on in my head, so I guess that I hide it well. But I feel you. It’s agony. And that’s only one of my obsessions. It’s the most frequent and time consuming of them all.

And I’ve noticed that they get worse when ANYTHING positive happens, even if we work hard for it. We found a great deal on an apartment in a really nice area with a really great elementary school, and we got approved. We move on Saturday. I’ve been waiting for the “inevitable” awful thing to happen. Then I’ll try to talk myself down, saying “it’s definitely your OCD. Everything will be fine.” Then my OCD demon will pipe in “Maybe I’m getting a bad feeling for a reason. Maybe I’m sensing¬†imminent doom.” You get the idea. For hours that can go on in my head. I’ll be up all night, checking to make sure my husband is breathing, checking on my children to make sure they are breathing and
that they haven’t been kidnapped.

As I type this, I realize how crazy it all sounds. But it feels so real. I actually always EXPECT something horrible and catastrophic happening. I’m wasting my life, and it really is such a wonderful life. Beautiful life, with lots of wonderful people in it. Any girl would be lucky to have all that I do. I’m just afraid of losing it all, and I can’t tell anyone about the extent of my mental state, because I fear that I’ll lose my children and husband or end up in a psych ward. I’m really terrified that I’m really really crazy, and that if I tell anyone, or even let on how I truly think a lot of the time (not really all the time. It cycles a lot. Sometimes I’m relatively “normal”) that I’ll get put
into a mental institution and be declared unfit as a mother. My family is my world, and I want my children to have the best of everything. I love them so much. And sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve them. Very very painful.


The OCD Mind- My Personal Hell — 3 Comments

  1. I’m 18 years old and was diagnosed with OCD last June. My obsessions revolved around my boyfriend most the time. We went to two different high schools (20 minutes apart), and I would be totally convinced that he was cheating on me or when he would take a few minutes to respond to a text, I would start going insane. He went to Minnesota for a week with his boyscout troop and he wasn’t allowed to have his cell phone. I practically begged him not to leave. I was convinced he would get eaten by a bear or drown or get lost and never come back. I would hyperventilate, cry profusely, shake, be unable to breath, sweat. You name it, I did it. Being 18, my mother saw everything I was going through and INSISTED that I go see our family doctor. He diagnosed it automatically with OCD and extreme anxiety and gave me medication. It worked for a while, but I began to sprial down again, this time with major depression. I wouldn’t leave the couch unless I had to, I gained alot of weight from eating constantly, and I was unable to enjoy the weeks coming up to prom. I constantly wondered if life would be easier for everyone I loved if they didn’t have to worry about me, if I was gone. Finally, one night while laying in bed, I realized that being this way, depressed and alone, was hurting my family more. They loved me enough to stand with me in everything I was going thorugh before and watching me just…give up…was killing them. I was putting them through more hell than my depression and OCD was. I made a vow to myself that I would never let OCD and depression rule my life. I changed medications, took my therapy sessions more seriously, and now I’m a freshman in college and loving my life. I still have the nasty little voice in my mind every once in a while, but now I know how to shut it out and control my mind. I smile more, laugh more, and I’m torturing my mom by the crazy situations I get into, not by making her wonder if her daughter is going to wake up in the morning. I may be younger than you, but I do understand. I hope you are finding help for your OCD because I think that you are putting your family through more hell by hiding it than by getting help. You seem like such a strong woman, and if your family is as important to you as you say, you need to seek help. You aren’t crazy, you’re just different :) and different is ok! I hope you’re doing good now :)

  2. I have generalised anxiety disorder which is very similar to OCD as they are both panic disorders. Although I do not have obsessions and compulsions and I do have alot of experiance with high anxiety-and it is very destructive. You will not lose your family because you have a mental disorder and having one most definatly does not mean that you are mad or incapable of achieving anything that you want to-its just that you may take more time than other poeple. That’s OK. You are 28. You have time. There may be alot of stigma about mental disorders, but OCD is becoming increasingly well known and understood-it is extremely rare to be put in a psychiatric ward because of OCD, so I really don’t think that you should be worried about that! Sometimes I find that it helps to give myself pep talks when I am very anxious, things like, I’m OK, I’m going to take my time. We get up in the morning and we do our best. That is all that matters. Don’t look too far in the future and try not to pre stress about things that scare you, I have learned that it makes the anxiety worse. Instead, try mindfulness techniques and bring your mind back to the now when you are feeling anxious. Anxiety takes alot out of you, and can be exhausting as you may feel constantly at a mental war.Therefore look after yourself, eat well, make sure that you sleep OK, have time to just relax. Try breathing and muscle exercises, also visualisations. Create a diary, write down intrusive thoughts, then counter them.
    It’s all going to go wrong – I cannot see into the future therefore I don’t know this
    I can’t do it-where is the evidance, can this be justified?
    It has gone wrong before it will again-says who? I have a plan and I’m going to stick to it

    Eventually, through practice and hard work you can retrain your brain to challenge the thoughts and make them more positive and more logical. It’s not an overnight fix, but it can help in the long term. Also seek help from therapists, go to your GP and tell them. You will be amazed. There are things that can counter OCD with minimal invasion to normal life routine and to mental and physical comfort-and it is more than OK to ask for help!!! I am by no means completly recovered from anxiety but I would like to think that I am on my way. These are not solid guidlines, they may help, they may not, it’s all about taking your time, experimenting to find what works for you, and persevering. Exhausting but rewarding. Remember, not only do you have time, but relapse is not collapse. Don’t give up!

  3. I am 23 years old and I was suffering from severe ocd.I have not overcame it yet but in one year i have got better significantly.
    I had ocd from when i was a kid.I don’t know when exactly ocd started.but from when i remember i had unwanted thoughts. whenever i heard something bad has happened to someone( i am not still able to mention the bad things,sorry) i was shocked and always had the fear that this could happen again!!
    I have had experienced different compulsions(washing-relegiousness-checking on people-double doing things-….) but the most fearfull one was close to you.I was worried about my family since i went to university. it got so difficult that 1.5 year ago I stopped going out to protect my family by checking on them every minute. I already knew that i have ocd but i never seeked help until my family got informed about my situation one year ago. because i refused to go to a therapist they went to therapist and learned some technics and got me medication.i started to get better i have still a long way to go but i want to assure you there is help for ocd out there,i was so disappointed myself that i could not believe a cure is possible,never ever.I understand your fear,the better things are the more scared you are
    i understand but you should know that by being recognized as a ocd sufferer you will not lose anything you may just need to spend more time on yourself.just please talk to your husband or if it is diffficult for you ask a therapist to explain it to him,and please SEEK HELP find a therapist .overcoming ocd is difficult but not impossible.try to overcome it believe me it worth it you will be more useful for your children and your husband.