Wow, it is amazing to read everyones different experiences. It gives
me a sense that I am not alone.

My story is a long one, but I will try to condense it. When I was
sixteen years old I was raped by an older man at a party, while
heavily intoxicated. What makes it worse is, I was a virgin. Anyway, I
didn’t really realise that it was rape until a year later. I was
sitting in class six months later when I saw a sign about HIV. That
was when I had my first panic attack. I really thought I was going to
die because I remembered the incident and put two and two together.
Besides the guy who raped me, was into drugs and a pretty devious
character. I ran straight to the school nurse and told her my
situation. I asked her “how likely do you think it is that I
contracted HIV?” Her words resonate with me even today. She replied
“very likely.” The drive home on the bus was a total blur I was in
shock.

Long and short, I had an HIV test (my parents went with me, although
obviously in shock.) That week waiting for the test was the WORST WEEK
OF MY LIFE! I sat on the end of my bed, feeling incredibly guilty and
like I deserved what I got. I clutched onto my Bible and prayed that I
would be ok. I think that’s when OCD came into play. I kept asking and
praying “god will I be ok?” “send me a sign”. Over and over and over
and over and over again….Funny thing is my father (who is a priest)
came in right after one of my prayers, and proceeded to dance saying
“all will be well, yes all will be well….” A true God send if you
ask me

For two years after that event I had numerous HIV tests, all negative.
But then I would find myself in situations where I would think I had
contracted it. So then I would go for another test. This behavior
went on and on. I eventually stopped having tests, but it was always
in the back of my mind.

Sixteen years later I still have contamination fears. But now it has
progressed to worrying that I will get up in the middle of the night
and drink poison. So I tie up all my cleaning solutions so I can’t get
to them. I can’t stand blood also. If I see blood I start to freak
out. I can’t even handle it when my husband bleeds. I worry that he
will get HIV because he has cuts on his hands often and he might come
into contact with someone’s blood. The list of paranoid thoughts goes
on. Sometimes I think I am the only one in the world who thinks of
these things. I constantly fear needles as well. And I also have
paranoid thoughts about other people. I annoyed a nurse the other day
and I am worried she may try to harm me, she knows where I live too!

I have been to counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and even tried
“spiritual healing.” Well, I am sad to say that neither has worked. I
am currently not on medication and haven’t been for many years. I just
live one day at a time, hoping not to get into any OCD provoking
situations. Its by no means the life I always wanted for myself. But
on the bright side, I have a husband that is very understanding and a
family that supports me and they have come to accept that I have some
weird stuff that I do sometimes.

To the outside world, I am “normal.” I have hidden this disease
incredibly well. The only people that know are my family and husband.
I am ashamed to have this. No doubt my past has a lot to do with the
progression of my OCD.