Recently I was diagnosed with OCD after a solid year of battling extremely distracting and aggressive, violent, gory thoughts about the death of myself and my loved ones, in some cases I would think about myself hurting them. I loved to think about falling down the stairs, jumping off a bridge, falling or impaling objects, and my personal favorite, car accidents.
Eventually I could no longer drive because I became fearful that all these thoughts about car accidents would cause it to actually happen. I went into a state of depression and believed that these thoughts were actually suicidal thoughts. I had no one to talk to about this because I started thinking that perhaps I was suicidal because why else would I think of dying this much?
Eventually I decided to tell my Dr and she referred me to a therapist who I am still seeing. My therapist and I uncovered my history of OCD and dated it back to when I was 11 and believed I was possessed by the devil. Today I am relieved to know that I was not going through a state of psychosis or schizophrenia then. Anytime I had a second to think I was telling the devil I wouldn’t sell him my soul. For months this was happening to me, and I’d even dreamt about the devil (dreams which I still have today). Now I know it was my obsessive thoughts.
The obsessive thoughts are the majority of my OCD but they are dramatic enough to leave me feeling powerless and out of control all the time (though people say I am a control freak). I have a tendency towards symmetry in my body (ie: finger tapping, kicking, scratching on both sides of my body to make it feel ‘even’).
Now I recognize other things I do because of my OCD (usually religious obsessions… I was raised a hardcore Catholic). For example, making the sign of the cross when I get into my car to bless my drive, flipping over shoes (when I was younger my mother told me that shoes that were facing the ground meant I was stepping on God instead of the devil… to this day I think something bad will happen), not stepping on cracks, counting stairs, etc.
As you can see a good amount of my obsessive thoughts and some compulsions are religious in nature.
The worst part of having OCD is hearing people say they think they have it. This part really hurts me because they don’t understand the real anguish that came from my obsessive thoughts. It isn’t fun for me to spend 10 minutes thinking about stabbing my mother and which knives would be most effective. These thoughts happen several times a day and cause me a great deal of anxiety.
I am still in weekly therapy and recently began medication with Zoloft.
I’m grateful for this website and wish you all the best.