My obsession is so difficult to describe. My brain sees the obsession as a logical solution to a problem that it imagines. If i say a certain phrase, touch certain objects, do certain things that in the past has maybe preceded a negative event, my brain tells me i have to fix what i have just done/said or another negative event will occur. Its one of those screwed if you do screwed if you don’t situations. If i give in to my obsession to fix the chain of events my brain feels i have set in motion, i feel relieved, but know in the back of my head i have just fed my illness. If i do not give in to my obsession and something bad does occur my brain kind of gives me a i told you so and i’m back to thinking that i need these obsessions.
My obsession is numbers. My brain thinks that everything can be turned off and on, and if you do it the correct amount of times it will set you down the right path again. The repetitions are 2, 8 and 16. It initially started with 2. Then my brain decided the more repetitions done the better chance of things being corrected. So its 2 has a chance of correcting things, 8 has a fairly good chance and 16 corrects it.
It almost feels every time i give in and repeat something i say or do, i change realms, everything around me feels different each time i do it, until i finally do the right amount and everything feels the way it should be.
As i do it i am fully aware of how ridiculous this pattern of thinking is and yet i am powerless to do anything about it.
I’ve always known I’ve had a problem but never actually knew what it was. This is honestly the first time i’ve ever actually researched it and i was lucky enough to find this site.
I can not tell you how reassuring it is to know that I’m not alone.