Ethan’s Story

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“My mind is at war. My heart is bleeding.”

I’m a man with unpleasant past. I’m 24. I think I should put it this way, I don’t even know what is wrong with me. This is the second time I have been questioning myself whether I have OCD. The result of the first time was a total chaos…

Well, maybe, the question itself doesn’t matter anymore.

I perceive my OCD as the Pure Obsessional type. My mind began to go haywire six months ago. I sense something wrong. Something inside my mind. Since then, I have been battling with this ‘thing’ days and nights. Within this period, I have learned all about myself, everything around me and of course this OCD thing.

At first, I have been obsessing with this so called structure that I have created. The structure is about: everything about myself, what I’m going to do about my life and the goal of my life. Whenever the structure is completed, I would feel that something is not right. Hence, the doubts and uncertainties. The cycle never seems to end…

The thing is right now I don’t feel like I’m obsessing with it anymore. I mean, of course everything inside the structure concerns me. It’s my life. I like it and depend on it in some way.

I can tell that I have some form of depression. Another thing, I adhere to certain degree of perfectionism.

I feel like the OCD is with me all my life, this is just the right time for ‘it’ to ‘rise’. But this could be totally untrue.

I have failed to control/fix the OCD/problem/doubt or whatever you want to call it, for so many times. I have tried so MANY ways to ‘make things right’.

Two things are clear: Every decision that i have made, is what i have really wanted. All the feelings i have inside me, are totally true, except for this ocd thing.

I can get ordinary things done just fine. But without solving this problem(the OCD), I can’t really go on with my life…

This is also very important, My OCD is not an anxiety disorder, The OCD is only with me when I’m alone. Or, whenever I try to fix/think about it. In public, I am just like everyone else, a normal person. I can even be the center of the crowd if I want to.

The ‘places’ the OCD took me to, there were chaotic, frenzy, agony, pain, it was hell…

I have been in a ‘bedridden period’. Later I managed to turn it to a ‘tv watching’ session, as a way of avoidance of failure I think.

Originally I have written like 300+ lines. Right now, a lot of things that I wrote just seem pointless to me.

Here are the ‘residues’ that I think are worth noting:

My ultimate way of getting rid of the doubts and uncertainties would be: NO (the act of suppression is not pleasant…)

Somehow I believe that the ‘thing’ is stalling me from reaching my goals in my life all these years.

It’s our my mind that is playing tricks with us, but our heart won’t. Follow your heart.

Dedication is the cure. If I force myself into doing other stuff like reading, instead of thinking about the OCD. The OCD can’t get me.

Intrusive thoughts: I have it all my life. They are often bad, weird, even perverted. I simply ignore it. Sometimes the really bad ones pissed me off though.

I have experienced this strange dilemma that you could not seem to resume your thinking because you could not link the thoughts together.

At certain stage, I tried to process all the things in my mind within a blink of second…If I can’t solve ‘it’, eventually I would be drowning in possibilities… search for LLI(Low Latent Inhibition) on web.

Since then, I know something inside me has changed. The stuff I see, how i perceive them.

One thing is for sure: My way of thinking becomes so methodical.

I never seek professional help because: I have trust issue with doctors(one of my unpleasant past).I understand the side effects of medications, I might also be a victim.

If I can’t understand what is wrong with me, I don’t expect anyone can really help me.

Based on my understanding, behavior therapy does not apply to pure o type ocd.

I also thought about the cause of OCD. Genetic inheritance? Chemical imbalance? Just Pointless…

Occasionally, I have headache.

End of the ‘residues’

This is, well f’ ing clear: I’m so tired of dealing with this thing…

Have you came across any OCD story that is similar to mine?

I don’t think anyone with a weaker mind could take it… Let’s just hope
that I’m the only one in this world…

Well, I have been through so much. There is nothing that I can’t do.

I have came up with tons of quotes that is supposed to help me fight off the OCD. Here are the few that still mean something to me:

Clear your mind and you will see the truth. If uncertainty exceeds the limit, one no longer has doubt.

I understand that when I’m not alone(or in public) or when I’m resting(moment of relief), I’m not trying to fight it, fix it in anyway. At those states of mind, I’m totally fine. If I understand this, why can’t I just let it go?

So is this over yet? …

Comments

Ethan’s Story — 4 Comments

  1. Hi

    I understand a lot of what you say. There is a website called myocd.org which really helps with support. Take care – dave

  2. Hi

    I also have OCD. It drives me crazy. I hope you can work through it, or find a doctor you can trust. I have trust issues also. I am currently taking Paxil and Abilify. It helps keep down the rage, I used to struggle with, but the thoughts keep coming. I may go back to my behavioral therapist, because the thoughts are getting really bizarre.

    Well, take care. Try to meditate on things that matter. That is what I am trying to do. I know what a struggle it can be with all the bizarre thoughts.

  3. Hi there. I have been diagnosed with pure o OCD about three months ago. I’m 27, and have had it all my life. I think of the little kid going crazy with the carousel in his head and how I wish I knew then or someone intervened. Just like you I’m fine in a crowd. Confident even. But sometimes when there is doubt and ambiguity in my world I believe that if I can’t work the problem out I will have to kill myself. In order to mentally and physically function I must have an answer, a solution. Problem is there is always doubt like a splinter in your mind. When really bad I search and search for the doubt, intrusive thoughts fly in and I feel sick to my stomach and unable to cope. I can’t focus on anything yet can’t tell people what is wrong. Sometimes I go through the whole day on autopilot because I’m running in circles trying to find an answer my faulty brain won’t allow. Ocdonline.com has some wonderful articles, particularly ‘thinking the unthinkable’; it was like my life story and made me feel less alone. Traits of sexuality fears, relationships, death and pain are all intrinsic to the pure o sufferer. Now I know I feel empowered and more at ease. My medication has worked wonders in stopping the cycles reaching deafening levels in my head, so give it some thought at least. Take care and all the best.

  4. You are not alone I was taught a thought is just a thought do not dwell on them or give them any power just go ahead and allow them to flow freely in then right back out of your head if you think about them they are controlling you I know we cannot stop them from coming but we dont have to keep them Please go to google and type midwest center attacking anxiety and depression by Lucinda Basset whom has been on talk shows including Oprah I do believe she is a Angel. Our thought are distractions from what is really bothering us we think “normal” people cant have these bizarre thoughts but the truth is we dont know what anyone is thinking like said you are normal around others the truth is you are normal period. you would be astounded at how many people suffer from the exact same things and more than likley had the same thoughts check out some famous peoplem on line that have ocd you will be amazed