Lily’s Story

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It started for me in 2003 I was in a bad relationship with someone who wasn’t right for me and I had a lot of repressed anger. One day we were hanging out we went to see a violent movie..Im sensitive to begin with and now I dont watch those things even the news, I felt weird after watching that movie..then after words we went back to his house and watched 2 horror movies which made my unease worse..I was laying next to him watching this horror movie were the guy in it was a murderer..and the thought popped in my head “could I kill him” my boyfriend next to me, well that sent me into a severe panic attack..I started shaking, my legs started aching, I felt flush, my heart started pounding..I jumped up and told him I had to leave..he had no idea what was going on with me. I even asked him in the car cause I thought it would make me feel better, if he ever thought about killing someone?..I forget what he exactly said..he probably had no clue why I asked. I became obsessed with that thought and I tried turning it into something else because I didn’t want to think I could hurt someone..then it somehow turned into the thought child molester…great!!! lol. Gee that’s even better!! (being very sarcastic) Then I started wondering who was? Me? Someone around me that I knew? Why is this in my head? Well it stayed stuck in my head for a while. I would say The Lords Prayer over and over in my head to make it go away.

I broke up with the guy I was dating not to long after that incident, I felt out of sorts for a month like a black cloud hung over my head I was having stomach problems because my stomach was upset constantly from the thoughts. Then I got into a relationship..and it was a very relaxed one nothing like my last helped a lot for a while because I felt accepted by him and his family it was peaceful atmosphere and I was reading a lot about spirituality..I could actually look at the thoughts I had objectively and realize how silly they were. But with OCD and when your not taking meds and not getting help it creeps back in..we eventually broke up because he was an alcoholic and I felt the relationship really couldn’t go anywhere even though it was nice for a while. I felt pretty good for a few months and wasn’t having those bad thoughts…but over time they crept back in. Also too Id like to mention I was praying a lot..that helped big time..but I got complacent and even though I want to get back into praying everyday I haven’t..laziness I guess.

As of now I have good days and bad days..I’ve had other thoughts come into my head to besides the ones I mentioned and I don’t have rituals like other people with OCD have..I just argue with myself and tell myself I wouldn’t do’s not me etc. I try to reassure myself the best I can..or sometimes I have a mantra, I repeat something that relaxes me. I’ve been into psychology to begin with, even before this happened I knew about mental illnesses. But for some reason I was in denial and I thought also because I didn’t have rituals maybe its not really OCD..but after reading the stories on this site everything has clicked…I thought I was strange to be a woman having these thoughts..for some reason people think its more common for men to have dark thoughts or to think about things like this..OCD or not. But that is obviously not true.

I think my OCD was triggered by repressed anger and letting myself stay in a bad situation for as long as I did..humans can only take so much before their mind starts try’s to create ways to make your pain known even in a strange form like OCD..people that have been through traumatic experiences, physical or emotional..I’m just speculating. I know some of the people on here have had this since they were children and some have had pretty decent lives..I really don’t know exactly why I have it, but the fact is I do. And for the time being I’m comforted by the fact that I’m not the only one and I know it’s OCD. I want to go on medication soon because I know I can only do so much to help myself. I hope everyone that has this get’s through it..because we all deserve to enjoy our lives. Best of luck to everyone.


Lily’s Story — 6 Comments

  1. Lilys story is very moving, in some strange way it does comfort me tohear other peoples storys of how ocd effects them,

    thankyou for sharing.

  2. OCD is different for everyone but there is so much in common too and Lily’s story reminds me of that. One thing we all don’t know is how we got it and how to get totally rid of it :(

  3. Lily,
    My therapist describes my OCD as anger turned inside out. But for the most part of it, I have had OCD far back as I can remember (although diagnosed in `90), but I have learned to mold my life productively around its little quirks. All my jobs were all about cleanliness, hand washing, and organization so I fit right in. The more debilitating parts of the OCD are harder to handle. Like the pounding thoughts of murder and harming someone that you had. Thats when I throw myself into CBT mode and try to rationalize. Hang in there. Their are alot of us out there – more than you probably realize. :)

  4. Thinking back…it seems silly to me, but maybe not to others…the only signs I had of it when I was a kid that I can think of is..I use to get urges to jump out of a moving car for no reason, songs stuck in my head (that happens to a lot of people it seems lol) and I had an imaginary friend that wouldnt go away..he was an actor I didnt like prob cause the movies he was in..he was more like an imginary enemy lol. But I couldnt get rid of him. I look back sometimes it was hard to control my own my mind had a mind of its own. I dont know what this stuff means or they were early signs. The only difference was when I was a kid I didnt beat myself up about anything I was more like “whatever” back then. I didnt question. Anyway thanks for the comments.

  5. Hi Lily. Thank you for sharing your story. I have suffered from ocd since I was 17 and now 30. I to got it all of a sudden from watching a freightning true story of girls getting kidnapped and tortured. Now I am affr4aid to be alone, obsessed with HIV and injecting myself or loved ones with a needle that I find in the street. I video tape myself to proove that I never do anything wrong. I feel like a prisoner in my own body and the more time that goes by, it becomes more “normal” which is concerning. Everyone has their own issues and it is nice to know that you are not alone! Thanks, Heather

  6. Hello I am Dr Santosh Nagal (M.D Psychiatry, OCD Expert)

    First of all I want to say you that I am always available for you, to solve your OCD problem and I don’t want anything in return.
    I myself had suffered OCD a lot in my childhood. This disease had trapped me when I was only 16, and by and by it became worse as I grew older. But luckily within 3-4 years I had known all about it, because I was a medical student. In the final year I had read psychiatry, I read all about OCD. I was surprised that I was too suffering from it. I had completed my bachelor’s degree in medicine, then I choose psychiatry for specialization, I have achieved master’s degree in psychiatry. I studied OCD thoroughly. If it has become worse then initially you need medicine, generally depression is also associated with OCD. If you want to eradicate this from your mind you need medicines and tacit understanding of it, both is essential.
    You don’t have to rely totally on the medicine because it can’t root-out this disease, medicine can only aid you. If you want to get-rid of this disease, you must have to understand it thoroughly otherwise it will relapse. Using medicine only is not the permanent treatment.
    Do you know what obsessions are?
    Obsessions are ideas, images and impulses that run through the person’s mind over and over again. A person with OCD doesn’t want to have these thoughts and finds them disturbing, but he or she can’t control them. Sometimes these thoughts just come once in a while and are only mildly annoying. Other times, a person with OCD will have obsessive thoughts all the time.
    Do you know what Compulsions is?
    Obsessive thoughts make people with OCD feel nervous and afraid. They try to get rid of these feelings by performing certain behaviors according to “rules” that they make up for themselves. These behaviors are called compulsions. (Compulsive behaviors are sometimes also called rituals.) For example, a person with OCD may have obsessive thoughts about being afraid of germs. Because of these thoughts, the person may spend hours washing his or her hands after using a public toilet. Performing these behaviors usually only makes the nervous feelings go away for a short time. When the fear and nervousness return, the person with OCD repeats the routine all over again.
    If you if you had known this than I congratulate you that by recognizing it, your 50 percent problem have already been solved.
    Don’t make any mentality that you have to fight with it. Be relaxed. The only thing you have to do is to know the whole point, understand the conditions which create the problem.
    So I am strongly advising you, that don’t fight, just a little understanding is enough to get rid of all that sufferings. Just a ray of understanding and things will be start changing.
    Right now you are not living, you are only surviving.
    All the rubbish is lies in your subconscious mind you have to drag all that rubbish to your consciousness. The basic thing is how to raise your consciousness a little higher from the plane it is right now. When you will get that consciousness you will say to yourself. “How fool I was, suffering from such a stupid disease for so long time.
    You have to cope with your OCD thoughts on your own, medicines will help a little and I am always available for advice, guidance and to make you enough capable and understanding to conquer over OCD. Don’t depend only on the medicines; this is my very first advice, because you have to change your thoughts, because thoughts can’t be changed through medicine. It can only be changed through proper understanding.
    Medicines can little aid you, but you have to do all the things. Never depend upon the medicines, never depend upon the God, God helps those people you help themselves, you have created the problem and you have to solve it, only you knows what is happening with you.
    First of all I want to know your OCD problem completely.
    Which obsessive thoughts disturb you? Or what obsession you have?
    When did this problem initiate?
    Which conditions and which thoughts created it?
    Did you taken any medicine to cure it? If any then write the Chemical name of those medicines.
    Are you taking Behavior Therapy?
    How do you feel? (That’s the main thing I want to know)

    So do send me all about your problem, without any embarrassment, express your problem as much as you can and don’t try to hide anything, otherwise it will stick in your mind and that will become obstruction for the absolute solution. Generally people suffering from OCD hide some guilty feeling for a particular act they had done in their past, he may have some misconceptions which are generally imposed by society since their childhood, common misconceptions are for religion, sin, God, sex and etc.
    I am promising you that that I will never try to know your full introduction, residential address and I don’t want anything from you. What I can do for you I’ll do.
    Because I myself suffered a lot from it, so I know the very suffering of it. I have decided to help people suffering from OCD as a service of mankind.
    Problems are the part of life; one can’t get perfection by escaping from them. Take your problem as a challenge and face it, it exists just for making you stronger don’t afraid. It is better to face a danger once than to be afraid for ever, I am with you.
    Life is too short, be smart.
    God bless you!

    My email address is

    I am waiting for your email…..