It started for me in 2003 I was in a bad relationship with someone who wasn’t right for me and I had a lot of repressed anger. One day we were hanging out we went to see a violent movie..Im sensitive to begin with and now I dont watch those things even the news, I felt weird after watching that movie..then after words we went back to his house and watched 2 horror movies which made my unease worse..I was laying next to him watching this horror movie were the guy in it was a murderer..and the thought popped in my head “could I kill him” my boyfriend next to me, well that sent me into a severe panic attack..I started shaking, my legs started aching, I felt flush, my heart started pounding..I jumped up and told him I had to leave..he had no idea what was going on with me. I even asked him in the car cause I thought it would make me feel better, if he ever thought about killing someone?..I forget what he exactly said..he probably had no clue why I asked. I became obsessed with that thought and I tried turning it into something else because I didn’t want to think I could hurt someone..then it somehow turned into the thought child molester…great!!! lol. Gee that’s even better!! (being very sarcastic) Then I started wondering who was? Me? Someone around me that I knew? Why is this in my head? Well it stayed stuck in my head for a while. I would say The Lords Prayer over and over in my head to make it go away.
I broke up with the guy I was dating not to long after that incident, I felt out of sorts for a month like a black cloud hung over my head I was having stomach problems because my stomach was upset constantly from the thoughts. Then I got into a relationship..and it was a very relaxed one nothing like my last one..it helped a lot for a while because I felt accepted by him and his family it was peaceful atmosphere and I was reading a lot about spirituality..I could actually look at the thoughts I had objectively and realize how silly they were. But with OCD and when your not taking meds and not getting help it creeps back in..we eventually broke up because he was an alcoholic and I felt the relationship really couldn’t go anywhere even though it was nice for a while. I felt pretty good for a few months and wasn’t having those bad thoughts…but over time they crept back in. Also too Id like to mention I was praying a lot..that helped big time..but I got complacent and even though I want to get back into praying everyday I haven’t..laziness I guess.
As of now I have good days and bad days..I’ve had other thoughts come into my head to besides the ones I mentioned and I don’t have rituals like other people with OCD have..I just argue with myself and tell myself I wouldn’t do that..it’s not me etc. I try to reassure myself the best I can..or sometimes I have a mantra, I repeat something that relaxes me. I’ve been into psychology to begin with, even before this happened I knew about mental illnesses. But for some reason I was in denial and I thought also because I didn’t have rituals maybe its not really OCD..but after reading the stories on this site everything has clicked…I thought I was strange to be a woman having these thoughts..for some reason people think its more common for men to have dark thoughts or to think about things like this..OCD or not. But that is obviously not true.
I think my OCD was triggered by repressed anger and letting myself stay in a bad situation for as long as I did..humans can only take so much before their mind starts slipping..it try’s to create ways to make your pain known even in a strange form like OCD..people that have been through traumatic experiences, physical or emotional..I’m just speculating. I know some of the people on here have had this since they were children and some have had pretty decent lives..I really don’t know exactly why I have it, but the fact is I do. And for the time being I’m comforted by the fact that I’m not the only one and I know it’s OCD. I want to go on medication soon because I know I can only do so much to help myself. I hope everyone that has this get’s through it..because we all deserve to enjoy our lives. Best of luck to everyone.