Comments on: Alison’s Story

By: Matthew

Matthew — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 03:32:16 +0000

I can relate to all your stories. My OCD started when I was around 16. I remember in PE Class waiting for a fellow class mate to finish his trampoline routine. I was next in line. I noticed he had a cut which started to bleed (from the friction of the mat i guess) and some blood was left on the trampoline. I also had a cut on my hand. Although the blood was wiped clean (semi clean in my eyes) I was overcome with fear. The guy was the sort who seemed not to care about much, always talked about girls he was seeing etc… I analysed this for the next week, seeing only negative few points unfortunately.

My AIDS OCD hit rock bottom after a few years more of this. What freaked me out was why I was feeling like this, how long it would last etc… I was totally bewildered. I went on medication (aropax and xanax) from the years 1997 - 2002. Whilst the medication did take away my symptoms to a large degree I was never fully cured.

I feel very fortunate over the last 3 or so years to have found the help of david Johnson in New Zealand. His web site panicfree.co.nz gives a great overview of the anxiety state in general which is what OCD is : an anxiety. I have made major progress from seeing him. When I first saw him I thought his method of coping seemed too simple that surely it wouldn’t work. I thought that what I was going through was so complexed that only something complex itself would cure me. I still have OCD but seeing the progress I’ve made without the need for medication is gratifying. It’s made me realise just waht a big bluff OCD is. Baically instead of fighting the unwanted thoughts when they arise you do the opposite: face them, accept them, float , and let time pass. Basically I just “let it all happen” or let the thoughts do what they like, and I just get on with what I’m doing. Of course this is still very hard at times due to a sensitised nervous sytem, but understanding why you are like this and how to cope doesn’t frighten you. Yo are no longer bewildered by what you are going through. I say this in all honesty. I am a sufferer living my life how I want to. Gradually over time the unwanted thoughts will come to mean less and less. I can say this with confidence.

By: Incertus

Incertus — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 19:59:11 +0000

Yep. That’s where OCD lives in the question, “What if?” Of course we come up with the most horrible of answers to that question. And can’t forget them.

There is a danger in searching online for medical answers, if that is the focus of your OCD (contamination/disease type thing). You will always find something that sets you off. It’s something I try to not do any more. It’s hard. It’s that need for certainty that keeps feeding the desire to keep looking until find something that relieves the anxiety. That rarely happens. In my case it resulted in my becoming a walking text book on epidemiology. (heh) And of course makes the OCD more entrenched.

As you already know, in time the current obsession will fade. The odds that you have what you found is extremely remote but OCD hooks onto that fact that it is not impossible and it becomes almost a reality.

By: Barbara

Barbara — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 17:59:58 +0000

Well guys, I thought I had left OCD behind, but the wheels came completely off the cart yesterday. I was on a health web site checking on some symptoms I was having and saw that I could have a condition afflicting, among other people, those with compromised immune systems. Of course I just happened to zero in on that one fact and have been in a tail spin ever since. I have been under a lot of stress lately. My rational side tells me this is the OCD talking, but the OCD side keeps saying “but what if . . . .”

By: Mary

Mary — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 06:33:45 +0000

It is reassuring to see so many other people struggling with OCD, although I wish none of us had it.

My OCD started out with little things when I was young (couldn’t stand tags in clothes, anything binding, and repetitive sounds) but now I am freaked out about papercuts. I constantly imagine getting papercuts on my eyes or belly button (bizarre!). Sometimes, I am cringing and pressing my eyes with my hands to try and physicaly get rid of the feeling. I remind myself it is unlikely, but I can almost feel that it’s not just a thought, it’s my body out of balance.

It gets a lot worse when I am overly-tired, stressed, eating too much junk, and generally not taking care of myself. Paxil, exercise, and sleeping more usually help me a lot.

By: Tina

Tina — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 20:05:50 +0000

Hello my name is tina!
I am so gld I found this site! I cant even sleep at night thinking
I am going to die from something mostly aids or anurism of the brain.
Please tell me how to live a normal life. I am so bitter and hateful.
I just want to live a normal life but dont know how.
Please help!!!! I am going crazy.
Thanks, Tina

By: KJ

KJ — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:28:35 +0000

I know exactly how you feel allison. I have OCD and I OBSESS about AIDS all the time. Its like you cant trust yourself with logic. I KNOW that I don’t have Aids and I know I never will have it (because I am cautious), but knowing doesn’t help the obsessions. Sometimes you feel they’re uncontrollable. Knowning doesnt stop me from convincing myself. I have convinced myself I have AIDS so many times in the past that I think I may have felt what it would be like to actually have it… its nto a pleasant feeling and it takes over your life. I read your story and it made me cry because it was so similar to mine. It made me feel that I wasn’t alone. I think the best form of therapy is talking to others who have OCD about these things, because I know that I often feel like im crazy and alone in these obsessions. There is help. I was on medicine for 8 years. I am off now, but I am slowly finding out that I need to get back on. My obsessions are getting in the way of my daily function. However, I am becoming mroe and more open about my OCD. I used to see it as a weakness and asking for help was a weakness, but its not. I have this disorder and I want to get better, there is nothing wrong with leaning on those you love if you want to get better. You don’t have to feel alone. My psychologist said that the AIDS obsession is one of the most major obsessions with people who have OCD. It was so nice to read this thread and write this. I am 21 and have been struggling with this disorder for mroe than half my life. You are not alone… seek people who share this with you for help. God bless you.

By: Adelaide

Adelaide — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:23:34 +0000

We can lead successful lives while living with this disorder. You are not the OCD… the OCD does NOT define you… it just makes your life a lot more difficult than you’d like it to be. Most of us are doing OK… some of us have loving relationships, some of us have great careers, some of us have dreams and hopes that are slowly becoming a reality. We do pretty well considering how painful this illness is. Keeping it a secret is tough… and I certainly don’t blame any one of us for keeping our illness to ourselves. I’ve been keeping it a secret from friends and co-workers since I developed it…. but I also seek a support network that reminds me that I’m going to be okey. My family, and my therapist, and my partner are all there for me, and even when I’m embarrased by my OCD, they don’t judge me by it’s effects. These precious people keep me going, and I, in turn, commit myself to work on this as much as possible. For those out there who feel like you are reaching a low point: talk to someone who can help, remember that there’s more to you than the fear, and don’t lose hope!!!!!!!!!!!

By: Ricky

Ricky — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 23:28:58 +0000

Hello Everyone
Wow I thought my ocd was unique but i guess its not, my father has been successfull in hiding ocd from my family for many years. I noticed he always knocked on his chin three times constantly. when I was 17 at the beach I saw a needle on the ground and my ocd hit me then and there I was up all night with these terrible thoughts i didnt know what was happening, The next 3 months i never left my house
I found out i had ocd and my dad admitted to having it too, its nice to have my dad my best friend help me but its been tough. For 9 years now my compulsion is to write whenever i get a bad thought about a stain, band aid, what not, i have to write on paper the time it happend and what happend. when i was 21 my ocd kinda went in remission and i took all my notes and filled 3 tin garbage cans full of them and threw them away. when I turned 24 my ocd acted up again with religious thoughts like i might have murdered someone and god hates me and im going to hell or i blasphemied the holy spirit and that was hard to distinguish that as my ocd all over again. I finally got over that but im back on the aids thing again even though i just went a month ago got a test and it was negitive i look at every step i take to make sure there isnt a dirty needle around and im having trouble with small stains and im writing again, i just got a good job, engaged to be married and its been really hard lately but im getting threw. people say i care to much about life i shouldnt care, i dont like living like this i want to not care but i do. OCD is the craziest thing in this world i hide it from everyone yet no one knows the pain i go threw, i just wanted to share this with you if anyone would like to chat email me its sofakingpimp@hotmail.com, good luck with all you i feel your pain- Ricky

By: Incertus

Incertus — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 13:39:35 +0000

Anne,

You don’t say if you are in treatment or not in your comment. If you are not I would strongly encourage you to seek out treatment. Most people can be helped. Just the act of seeking out treatment and being proactive can be helpful.

I could give you reassurance that you couldn’t possibly have hiv but at best that would only give you a momentary respite (though I know how much value there is in even momentary respite from this nightmare). In spite of reassurances OCD will find away to keep the fear alive. It’s not called the doubting disease for nothing.

I know, as almost all of us with OCD do, how lonely your struggle is. Even those closest to us, if they don’t have OCD, don’t really understand no matter how detailed we get in telling them about our fears.

There is a very large online support group found here; http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/OCD-Support/ that at least would give you contact with many others and there are a few pretty good doctors in the group as well. Check it out.

Take good and gentle care of yourself

By: Anne

Anne — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 20:39:00 +0000

To anyone who reads this…

I dont even know where to start. I came across this website today because today has been one my of worst in a long time. I sit here, crying my eyes out, and read stories so similar to mine. My fear of HIV started 2 1/2 years ago when i was 20. I had a “dumb” period when I was having unprotected sex. I saw an add for HIV and ran to the nearest clinic to get tested. I was negative. To this day, I have not had unprotected sex. However, no matter what, I can’t shake this HIV fear. It has left me so crippled. I want the life I once had - where I was happy - where I didn’t wake up EVERYDAY and wonder what would happen if I had AIDS or if I do have it. I think the worst part is when I’m around my parents, I have these horrible thoughts of what they would think of me if i had AIDS.

I think what really set me off today is my free time. I go to summer class in the morning, then have nothing to do for the rest of the day but think. And the thinking leads me to thinking of past sexual experiences. I then analyze the entire thing — telling myself I got AIDS from it. Today - i recalled a night I was drunk and made out with a stranger. I have posted on message boards asking them if i am at risk for making out with someone. I know the answer is no - but i cant shake the thought.

I am so tired of living like this. When it gets this bad - I have no one to talk to and even worse - sometimes I dont even want to live anymore.

My sister is the only person in my life that knows about my fear — and even she doesnt know how bad it gets.

Please - if anyone reads this - what do i do? Please help me. please.