Incertus

OCD Stories and OCD | Comments (43)

1. Barbara on Jul 14 2005 at 2:58 pm

   Alison: I had the same thing happen to me in the early 90s. I came down with a cold and can remember waking up with a scratchy throat. Instead of thinking, “Oh, I have a cold,” I sat straight up in bed and thought “Oh my God, I have AIDS.” I had test after test after test. All results were negative, but I always managed to convince myself that I was one of a handful of people who test negative even though they have the virus. I saw a psychologist for depression but was afraid to mention my AIDS obsession for a couple of years. During that time, I very nearly lost my job because I spent every waking moment thinking about AIDS, calling AIDS hotlines generally worrying that I would somehow infect my loved ones. Finally, I told my therapist and started on the long road to recovery. For me, that involved cognitive behavioral therapy and medication (Effexor and Klonopin). It took a long time, but the obsessive thoughts finally went away and have stayed away for over eight years. Eventually, the Effexor stopped working and I had to switch to a new combination of meds–Lexapro and Remeron–but I never had a relapse of the AIDS thoughts. I look back on it now and can’t believe how sick I was. I survived though and so can you. Get yourself a good therapist, preferably one who specializes in OCD, and keep taking the meds. Above, confide in your loved ones and accept the support that they can provide you.

2. Matty on Jul 19 2005 at 6:07 am

   Couldn’t agree more, Barbara.

   On a personal note, is reassuring to come across other people who have been hit by OCD out-of-the-blue at a later stage of life. So many people seem to suffer with it from an early age that I’ve felt a little worried that mine never hit me until the age of 23. I guess, as with all sufferers, I’m just happy to know I’m not alone - though sad for anyone else who suffers from this terrible illness.

   Matty

3. Barbara on Jul 19 2005 at 2:09 pm

   I should note that I, too, had my OCD develop later in life. I was 30 when it happened.

4. "Alison" on Jul 20 2005 at 10:33 am

   Thank you Barbara for your comment. It’s comforting to know that someone has dealt with the same issues I have & gotten through it. I’ve actually had a pretty good week. Last week was horrible!! Does anyone know why the OCD person focuses on AIDS & not other diseases? Just wondering. I hope everyone is well!!

   Thanks Again,
   “Alison”

5. Barbara on Jul 20 2005 at 1:49 pm

   I have often wondered about that too. I will ask my therapist about it when I see her next week–yes, although I have been OCD free for several years now, I still see a therapist periodically, mainly because my biggest fear is that something will happen some day to trigger the OCD again, and I don’t want to go through that again. Anyway, in answer to your question, my guess is that AIDS has a stigma to it that other diseases don’t have and also, because it’s a relatively new disease, the media has focused on it much more intensely than other diseases. I have never been all that focused on health issues, which is why the all-consuming obsession with AIDS really threw me for a loop. It’s important for you to understand that OCD is an anxiety disorder and I have been told by numerous psychiatrists and psychologists that OCD manifesting itself through an irrational fear of AIDS has become very common. It’s the quintissential anxiety-provoking disease.

   One critical factor in being able to overcome our particular form of OCD is desensitization. Just hearing the word AIDS would send me into a complete panic, so I tried to avoid it by turning off the TV and refusing to read news stories about it. That was the worst thing I could have done. In therapy, the goal is to talk about AIDS and rate on a scale of 1-10 the degree of anxiety it causes. I know it sounds antithetical to overcoming it, but it works. I would think that talking about it here or to an understanding family member or friend would help to some degree.

   If you would like to talk about it more, I gave the Incertus site owner permission to give you my e-mail address.

6. Incertus on Jul 20 2005 at 2:00 pm

   Well, it’s just my guess, but I would say hiv/aids is pretty much the perfect disease for OCD to focus on. What with all the early manic media panic about it and the long incubation period and the slow lethality of it all.

   That said, my OCD is primarily contamination type and AIDS, while in my hierarchy of things to be concerned about it, falls pretty far down the list. Our individual OCD symptoms are focused on things that are important to us or cause us anxiety or would cause us anxiety even if we didn’t have OCD. And thinking about getting AIDS gives most folks a bit of concern.

   Though I have to admit sometimes my OCD comes up with something completely out of left field. I once went through a period of obsessing about Hansens disease. Funny now but not then.

7. Alison on Jul 20 2005 at 4:02 pm

   Barbara- I sent you a private email.

8. Alison on Aug 23 2005 at 2:50 pm

   Question……….
   I have been reading “Brain Lock” & started following the 4 steps to recovery. The first step says to relabel your intrusive thoughts as OCD & basically dismiss them as a sickness. My problem is I’m questioning the fact that I do have OCD. See, I’m not afraid of doorknobs & passing bandaids on the ground & don’t wash my hands until they bleed. I’m precautios - stay away from needles & stuff like that. I find proof that me & my family have HIV through symptoms-
   Rashes, upset stomach, colds, infections, etc. The only compulsion I have is counting & I’ve always counted. Can someone help?

9. Heather on Apr 18 2006 at 5:30 pm

   I have suffered with ocd since I was about 17 years old. I am now 30. IT is an on going battle that effects me every minute of the day. It is very much a secret, beside’s my family who has suffered with me. I am affraid to be alone bacause of the thoughts that I have. For example, affraid that I will let some strange man in and be raped. That I will find a dirty HIV infected needle on the street and infect my child and family, or their food. I write notes constantly to “proove” to myself that I haven’t done anything wrong. Visions of hurting my loved ones as well as myself. I would love a cure and hopefully we will all be saved. Heather

10. lisa on Jul 11 2006 at 7:19 pm

    I’m going through the same thing right now. I just had a baby two and a half months ago, and one month ago I started thinking I had hiv, because of things I had done years ago. I had taken a test before I got pregnant which was negative, and I didn’t think about it during my pregnancy, but suddenly one day I thought I should check the false negative rate of the test I had and found that a tiny percentage would test falsely negative, and became convinced that I could be part of that tiny percent and that to protect my family I had to have another test right away in case i hadn’t infected them yet and could keep from doing so, so I had another one, which was negative, but read that the two different types of antibody tests can sometimes identify people differently, so I went and got my blood drawn for the other test. however, and this is the terrible part for me right now, i became convinced that I had then gotten hiv from the phlebotomist or the needle, because he was gay and I was convinced he had hiv and he moved after he took the cap off the needle and he could have pricked himself, even though i saw the needle and he didn’t. i also thought that he might have been plotting to infect someone with hiv because of bitterness at having it himself, or that he reused an old needle that had hiv in it, because it came with a cap on it but not in plastic wrap, which I know is how they often store them but I can’t help thinking “what if?” and I can never know for sure that it was new. I finally confessed to my husband who tells me all these thoughts are absolutely unreasonable and that that doesn’t happen, but driving back from taking the test I felt so strongly that it did, because of being unlucky or being guilty in my past behavior when I was younger or because there were several things that i couldn’t be absolutely sure about, such as the needle. My thoughts got even more terrifying when I got sore muscles and a sore throat and swollen lymph glands in my neck a few days after getting my blood drawn, even though lots of people i know and in the city i live in were getting the same thing. I’m seeing an OCD specialist now but I’ve only seen him twice and this is very overwhelming. I’m so scared nursing my baby sometimes, and I try to give him formula but he won’t take it. It’s helpful to see other people’s experiences. I keep thinking, that one month ago I was on cloud 9, and now i feel broken to pieces. I really hope that i see the “unreasonableness” of my fears soon.

11. shirley franklin on Jul 16 2006 at 9:06 am

    Hi everyone,
    It is Shirley. Christine published my poems a few months back.
    Or maybe more, time has no meaning to me, except it rolls by so
    very fast. I am a chronic sufferer of OCD depression 30 years or more.
    Yes Aids is one you focus on. Why because it is just about the worse
    thing you can get. OK there is cancer but not so much stigma to getting cancer is there! There is hyperchondria OCD. As well as
    religious OCD. OCD is an unfair opponent, it always hits the place
    where it will hurt most. If you are religious then it is something
    blasphemeous that torments you. Or if you worry obsessively it is usually about someone you love so much. And the obsessions are about your loved one.
    After reading Dr Jeffrey Swartze book “Brain Lock” I am getting the
    measure of my OCD at long last. Also I feel mine is starting to go
    into remission. At the ripe old age of 65. All my young years were
    spent tormented by it. The cleanliness OCD. Couldn’t touch anything with out washing my hands 7 times. Then each week I would be at
    the doctors telling him of my cancer. Next week I would have some
    other terminal disease. Two years ago I prayed for death each night.
    Now I am on the up at last. I am able to say to those obsessive thoughts “So what” Ask Gods forgiveness if I am to blame for thoughts I get but do not want. So from now on I put my trust In The Good Lord. He does understand I promise you, and unlike a phsyco thereapist once said to me. They are your thoughts Shirley.
    That was a lie of the devil. An old Christian Deacon in my church
    said to me. Thoughts are around about you in the air, they float above your head, sometimes they touch your mind, but they only become thoughts if you encourage them. Just let them roll by like birds in the air. They are not yours. You are not the creator of them, or anything else that is wicked. Now I can live better. If I get the urge to bath after a bad thought, I sit there and fight it, and the longer I can sit there an ignore it the easier it becomes. And then sometimes after a long wait,20 mins say my mind adjusts and I think so what I dont want the thought it is not what I believe, and 7 times out of ten. I don’t need yet another bath.
    My mind power is improving, and I can think myself out of things.
    You can too. It is mind over matter, and I promise you it works.
    Why didn’t I think this way twenty odd years ago. Better late than never. I had every drug there is, even ECT. And that was the only
    thing that helped. I was referred to the Geffrey Knight hospital for
    a loucotomy. By the Grace of Him who loves me I never went ahead.
    And doctors have said it was a good job I didn’t for I would have
    ended like the one in” One flew over the cuckoo’s nest.”

    God bless you all,
    and remember the sufferings of this world are nothing compared
    to what God has in store for those who love Him.

    Shirley

12. Ty on Jul 19 2006 at 1:41 pm

    Wow…I can’t believe that there are sooo many people that are suffering from the exact type of OCD that I am. I have a terrible, and I mean terrible, fear of HIV/AIDS. The sound of the words makes me cringe. Everytime I see a commercial on HIV or hear it somehow on TV I panic. Sometimes I will see a word like “HIM” and see “HIV.” It’s everywhere. The worst part of the disease for me is that it’s incurable, shameful, and totally my fault. The strange part about my OCD is that I have somehow mananged to turn my OCD into a positive thing for me (hehe even hearing or saying the word “postive” gives me chills). I am an obsessive student. Whenever I got an A- in college, I would get sooo upset and make sure that I got an A next time. I can’t go to sleep the night before a test until I am convinced that I know every single thing that I think is gonna be on the test. This sort of obsessing has been good in two ways for me…it is a disrtaction from my AIDS worries, and it has gotten me into a top grad school. I am just worried about my worries now. I don’t want them to come in the way of my studies–my dreams.

    So anyway, back to the negative thoughts (”negative” a much better word for me to think about)–I talked to the owner of this site and he said that he is gonna post my story up here so i won’t go into detail. I have been tested for HIV 5 times in the last year. I think that is my compulsion. I even have begged two people that I was with to get tested as well. All tests negative. But I still think I got it because it takes 6 months to be sure. Whenever I reach that 6 month (to the date) period I get tested again and I’m wonderful. Until I get myself into another “risky” situation (in my mind). This usually happens when I drink. I wake up the next morning having drunkenly “made out” with someone and convince myself that I have AIDS–problem is, that 6 month period starts all over again.

    My last drunken encounter was about a month and a half ago. I got tested last month and got a negative result. I am waiting for next month to get another test. I even know exactly which day I will get the test done–the day before my birthdayday (sort of a way to relax a little bit on my birthday–I even KNOW the test will be negative! But there is a little doubt). I have decided that that will be the last test. I feel better right now. I am on Prozac and reading all of these stories makes me feel TONZZZ better because I see the unreasonableness in other’s stories and then I think of mine and see that it’s the same darn thing!

    Thank you for reading thus far. I am gonna fight back. Let’s all fight together. Talking about the unreasonable thoughts with other people who don’t find them as ridiculous like”normal” people do, will help us get through this. We can’t live a life of worry. Eventually we will all die, but I can be pretty darn sure that it won’t be from AIDS–for any of us thinking about it!!!

13. lolly on Oct 03 2006 at 7:16 am

    hello everybody i think i might have the same problem well i have recieved a real shock that my boyfriend is going to test for hiv. and it beat me because i’ve been thinking about hiv lately. i’ve got these lymphs but im not even sure about them they are behind my ears im scared.my boyfriend had been caughing a lot. but he went to the doctor and he suggested dat he take the test that is why im scared plz tell me i’ll be ok.things are going great now for me even my health.thank you

14. Tamara on Nov 03 2006 at 10:33 pm

    I was diagnosed with O.C.D. only 8 years ago and am 40 now, but have been living with this all my life. Sometimes at night while laying in bed i’ll go over all of my lifes memories searching for a time when things were not this way. Just one moment, but there are none. This is truely all i know. This saddens me as i wish i could at least find a brief memory of being free of all that O.C.D. has burdened me with. I’ve had obssesive and compulsive problems with just about everything imaginable and i fight hard against them but they are unrelenting, time consuming, tiresome and painful to put it mildly. I am married and have four children. One i lost to cancer when she was only 3 years old. I realize now that i should have never gottom married or had children. Not because i don’t love my husband and my children because most certainly i do, but because i am not a good wife or mother and only cause them a whole lot of grief. I on the otherhand would be lost without them.

    If i could say one thing though, it would be that you HAVE to fight it hard. If you don’t you’ll only be giving it more power to grow and have more control over you.
    You may not be able to put out the fire by fighting it (in this case)but you can surely keep it down.

    Thanks for listening

15. Adelaide on May 07 2007 at 1:50 am

    Hi everyone. I developed OCD when I was 23. I am now 34. It hurts to remember what it used to be like when fear was not part of my life. But we can’t dwell on the past, and we have to move forward. The thing is not to lose hope. In this battle we are going to have ups and downs, and we must remember that in those bad times things will get better. We are forturnate to have so many resources available to us. Although incredibly expensive to treat this illness (with the cost of medications and therapy), it’s well worth it for our sanity and serenity.

    I have fear of AIDS, too. It was the trigger for my OCD 11 years ago, and it continues to be so. It’s very frustrating. But I’m starting to pay more attention to it, instead of running away from it. What am I really afraid of? I’m not really afraid of dying, but I am afraid of getting sick. I’m afraid of suffering, and of being alone. I’m afraid of the stigma attached to this illness: that it will invade slowly, that I will lose myself to it, that I will be respulsive to others, that I will end up alone. It’s almost like fearing a monster. But I’m noticing that my very OCD is doing these things to me: I feel repulsive because of it, I envision myself driving everyone away because of it, I’m losing myself to it. Maybe, then, I’m more afraid of my OCD, then of getting AIDS. The monster is not really the virus, but the thoughts. In a way it’s very humbling and therapeutic to think about what is really behind the irrational fear.

    Has anyone else ever broken down their fears to the bare essentials?

    It’s worth seeking treatment and continuing to support each other. We don’t have to isolate ourselves, no matter how tempting it is. I have two children, and I am simply unwilling to go through life passing my compulsions on to them. I’m not going to make them wash, and clean and perform rituals simply because I’m afraid. This is my struggle, and I will continue to seek help, and be thankful for all the amazing professionals out there who work to battle along with us.

    HOPE, HOPE, HOPE. Don’t lose it!!

16. Incertus on May 13 2007 at 9:07 am

    Adelaide,

    I make a conscious effort to not incorporate those around me in my OCD. Very rarely will I ask someone to do or not do something because of my OCD. It’s my problem not theirs. I think this is wise though it can make life uncomfortable at times. (a lot)

    And I agree that I am more concerned about not triggering obsessions then actually getting a disease. I am not washing away germs really. I am washing away the anxiety. In fact if I could trade having some disease instead of having OCD there would be no hesitation on my part. I often, after having been “contaminated” by something will intentionally expose myself even more just to shorten the obsession cycle. I can’t or won’t do that with many things. But if it is something with a short incubation period or non serious I always do that and actually always have. Better a few hours or days of intense anxiety then the creeping contamination obsessions that make things around me unsafe indefinitely.

17. Carly on May 17 2007 at 3:26 pm

    Hi all,

    Well let me say I am glad I found this site. I knew there were other’s that had this type of OCD but none that I could contact. I did really really well for about 6 years taking Prozac, I mean I was so good that I actually could not believe the way I thought before and the obsessive thoughts of being contaminated. I once ruined a 10 day trip to Disney World for my children with these thoughts and I did not even eat during the whole time it was so bad (constantly thinking me or one of the kids were contaminated). Ironically it is on that trip that I called an AIDS Hotline and found that others had this and that was in 1997 I think. I could not believe others had this and wanted to talk with her about it but she could not. Anyway I started seeing a Psychiatrist and got on Prozac and felt so so good. I started doing things I was scared of like going on vacation, staying in hotels, going on rollercoasters with my family and I felt great. Well my husband and I wanted to have a baby last year so before conceiving I came off the small dose of Prozac, well now I just had the baby and he is 5 weeks and in the pregnancy I started to see the OCD coming back full force and since his birth it has had some really bad times. I in the last 9 months have had 5 HIV test due to the fact I thought I had something, or something was wrong with the test etc. etc. All tests were negative. My doctor even jokes about it but it is really not a joke as you all know. My husband (2nd) is extremely supportive of me and he has even been tested numerous times due to my anxiety and all his tests were negative as well but I keep obsessing that maybe I have a date wrong or maybe someone was out to get me at work and tried to infect me, maybe I got something from someone in the hospital and I even thought my newborn had been stuck by a needle because he had a red little spot on his thigh when I took him home that I don’t know from what and I started thinking someone stuck him and etc…I know what someone was saying about how the tests themselves are stressful you start thinking things are not clean, it is not a new needle etc…so that when you get a negative result you start thinking if the person performing the test gave you something, it is a viscious cycle. I feel so depressed sometimes and I feel it is robbing me of the joy I should feel with my newborn who I waited so long for and my marraige to a man that is so wonderful and who is so so good to me. Sometimes I think that is where it stems from that I finally got a man that is so good and loves my children (from my previous marraige) and now is the father to our son and I guess my mind is thinking that what if this happens, what if that happens. Then I am always scared of contaminating my kids especially nursing my son can be so stressful even though I was tested and my son was as it is the law in our state. I always think the worst. Please I need support from you all and we all can help each other. I cannot get on meds at this time and we would like to have another baby so I really want to get through this without meds if possible. Have any of you found relief without meds? Please let’s talk.

18. Adelaide on May 19 2007 at 8:37 am

    I’m with you Carly. I know exactly what you are going through. I have a very loving and wonderful husband and family, and I struggle with the exact same type of OCD. I think my only piece of advice to you is to not give up on your dreams of expanding your family and enjoying your baby simply because you have OCD. I took a small dose of SSRI’s with my firt pregnancy, and my child is now 4 and beautiful and healthy as can be. I took a full dosage for three years of nursing, and when I weaned her there were no withdrawal effects. Now I’m pregnant with my second baby, and I am on full medications. Let me tell you… I struggle with the decision, but I am happy that I made it.

    We put off having our second baby for a long time simply because I was trying to get myself to a place in which I didn’t have to take meds. I tried, and I tried, and I tried. And it didn’t work. I suffer from panic disorder, as well, and during the time that I was off the meds, I had at least one panic attack per day. It was horrible. I tried using amino acids, herbs, meditation, and cognitive therapy. Unfortunately, nothing worked, and I went back on the meds. At that point, I decided to give up on having a second baby (I was simply determined to have a baby naturally, or not at all…. I wanted to give my baby the best start possible, and that meant doing so without medication). When I went back on meds I was really sad: I had tried so hard, and now I had to give up on my dream. But, someone put some things into perspective for me, and I finally realized that I cannot create a perfect world for myself nor for my unborn baby. It was my husband, who happens to be a physician. He said, “there are women out there taking medication for life-threatening illnesses that have healthy children all the time. Women with severe asthma who take steroid-based meds., or women with diabetes who must take synthetic insulin, among others. Having an illness should not impede one from having a family.” He also said something to me that made me feel better about possibly getting pregnant while on medication: “being in a state of constant panic is really detrimental to your body, and if you were to get pregnant while in a constant state of panic, that would be really detrimental to your baby: all the stress hormones and chemicals related to this illness would be worse than addressing the problem medically.” He also said that it’s not really the meds that determine the health of the pregnancy or baby, but taking care of myself and eating right and paying attention to my stress levels and exercising are much more important to my health and my children’s.

    I felt like my hands were tied: if I have a baby on meds, then I will worry about passing the meds on to my baby; and if I have a baby without meds, then the stress hormones could also cause harm to the baby.
    I finally decided that I couldn’t play this game any more, and that I also could not go through life grieving the notion that I never had a second baby who I felt was waiting to be born.

    Soon after going back on my meds, I got pregnant, and now I’m 7 months along. There are no guarantees in life, but I can tell you that this pregnancy has been much more pleasant than my first. Ultrasounds look good, heartbeat is good, and I feel great: I’m eating well, exercising, meditating, and I have not had a panic attack in months: and I know that this is good for my baby.

    If there is one thing I know is that kids thrive when their parents are happy…. I will do whatever I have to in order to give my children the best of me.

    I think cognitive therapy is incredible. I, unfortunately, cannot afford it (it’s $150 per session where I live), and after only a few months I had to abandon it. It was very good while I was doing it, and I hope to get back to it as soon as I can. It’s tough, especially because you have to prepare yourself to exposure events, and they are really difficult. But, I think it’s a very good alternative to meds. It’s not quick, and it can take months, if not years, to start seeing the recovery process.

    We cannot be rigid as mothers and women and expect that our lives will be perfect. We cannot control every little aspect of our lives, especially as mothers. Keep your mind open to the possibilities… they may not be perfect, but nothing really is. Do not let the OCD define your role as a wife, mother, and woman. If you have to go on meds. and you find the appropriate medical support, then do it. But once you go on meds, don’t just forget about your OCD…. keep working on it: go to therapy, seek support, expose yourself, and find ways to deal with it, not just mask it with meds.

    Anyway…. just some food for thought.
    Take care.

19. Carly on May 21 2007 at 11:04 am

    Thanks for the reply as I am really struggling with all of this. I saw my OB on Friday and he thinks this is no joke. He thinks it is PPD and wants me to see a Psychiatrist. I cannot tell you what I go through. I woke up Friday and had to go for an HIV test so we went to a planned parenthood clinic because I had to have the results and they have the oral well I did three tests because I was convinced I might have swabbed wrong etc. The test was negative and do you think it gave me the relief I needed? NO I went to the OB and asked him to draw blood for an HIV test. (They think I am nuts but they do it for me). Then I get afraid because the nurse has the butterfly needle out of the package when I come in and then I start thinking,”is it contaminated?” It never ends. Now I have this intrusive thought that I slept with someone who was in the shop at the business that I used to work for that is HIV positive. It keeps popping in my mind that I slept with him probably because it is one of the worst things I can imagine. I keep trying to ask myself, “When did it happen, where did it happen, if it happened why did I not worry about it constantly, why did it come up after I had the baby and once early on I don’t remember when, why can’t I remember anything about it if it happened,?” I think my fear is that I did this and I can’t remember, I even want to call the guy and ask him to tell me. I know he will think I am crazy. Oh I need so much help.

20. Barbara on Jun 07 2007 at 2:34 pm

    Carly et al., Don’t put yourself through the agony of getting the tests done. No matter what the result is, you will still believe that you have AIDS. Unfortunately, that’s what the OCD does to you. It’s the strangest disease–intellectually, you know that the test results don’t lie (especially if you have had several tests), but you nevertheless believe that you have AIDS. You know that you are thinking irrationally, but you can’t stop it, no matter how hard you try. I am an attorney and was told that this type of disorder is common in my profession because of the way we are taught in law school to analyze everything. It’s an insidious disorder that almost cost me my job because I spent most of my days and all of my nights worrying and calling AIDS hotlines. More importanly, however, it cost me years of my life, but I am here to tell you that it can be overcome with a lot of intervention, both medically and psychologically. It has been a full 10 years since I have had the thoughts. I still take medication and I still see a therapist weekly, but it can be done. More of my story is in the posts above. But don’t ever give up the fight. YOU CAN WIN IT!

21. Anne on Jun 20 2007 at 4:39 pm

    To anyone who reads this…

    I dont even know where to start. I came across this website today because today has been one my of worst in a long time. I sit here, crying my eyes out, and read stories so similar to mine. My fear of HIV started 2 1/2 years ago when i was 20. I had a “dumb” period when I was having unprotected sex. I saw an add for HIV and ran to the nearest clinic to get tested. I was negative. To this day, I have not had unprotected sex. However, no matter what, I can’t shake this HIV fear. It has left me so crippled. I want the life I once had - where I was happy - where I didn’t wake up EVERYDAY and wonder what would happen if I had AIDS or if I do have it. I think the worst part is when I’m around my parents, I have these horrible thoughts of what they would think of me if i had AIDS.

    I think what really set me off today is my free time. I go to summer class in the morning, then have nothing to do for the rest of the day but think. And the thinking leads me to thinking of past sexual experiences. I then analyze the entire thing — telling myself I got AIDS from it. Today - i recalled a night I was drunk and made out with a stranger. I have posted on message boards asking them if i am at risk for making out with someone. I know the answer is no - but i cant shake the thought.

    I am so tired of living like this. When it gets this bad - I have no one to talk to and even worse - sometimes I dont even want to live anymore.

    My sister is the only person in my life that knows about my fear — and even she doesnt know how bad it gets.

    Please - if anyone reads this - what do i do? Please help me. please.

22. Incertus on Jun 21 2007 at 9:39 am

    Anne,

    You don’t say if you are in treatment or not in your comment. If you are not I would strongly encourage you to seek out treatment. Most people can be helped. Just the act of seeking out treatment and being proactive can be helpful.

    I could give you reassurance that you couldn’t possibly have hiv but at best that would only give you a momentary respite (though I know how much value there is in even momentary respite from this nightmare). In spite of reassurances OCD will find away to keep the fear alive. It’s not called the doubting disease for nothing.

    I know, as almost all of us with OCD do, how lonely your struggle is. Even those closest to us, if they don’t have OCD, don’t really understand no matter how detailed we get in telling them about our fears.

    There is a very large online support group found here; http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/OCD-Support/ that at least would give you contact with many others and there are a few pretty good doctors in the group as well. Check it out.

    Take good and gentle care of yourself

23. Ricky on Jun 27 2007 at 7:28 pm

    Hello Everyone
    Wow I thought my ocd was unique but i guess its not, my father has been successfull in hiding ocd from my family for many years. I noticed he always knocked on his chin three times constantly. when I was 17 at the beach I saw a needle on the ground and my ocd hit me then and there I was up all night with these terrible thoughts i didnt know what was happening, The next 3 months i never left my house
    I found out i had ocd and my dad admitted to having it too, its nice to have my dad my best friend help me but its been tough. For 9 years now my compulsion is to write whenever i get a bad thought about a stain, band aid, what not, i have to write on paper the time it happend and what happend. when i was 21 my ocd kinda went in remission and i took all my notes and filled 3 tin garbage cans full of them and threw them away. when I turned 24 my ocd acted up again with religious thoughts like i might have murdered someone and god hates me and im going to hell or i blasphemied the holy spirit and that was hard to distinguish that as my ocd all over again. I finally got over that but im back on the aids thing again even though i just went a month ago got a test and it was negitive i look at every step i take to make sure there isnt a dirty needle around and im having trouble with small stains and im writing again, i just got a good job, engaged to be married and its been really hard lately but im getting threw. people say i care to much about life i shouldnt care, i dont like living like this i want to not care but i do. OCD is the craziest thing in this world i hide it from everyone yet no one knows the pain i go threw, i just wanted to share this with you if anyone would like to chat email me its sofakingpimp@hotmail.com, good luck with all you i feel your pain- Ricky

24. Adelaide on Jun 28 2007 at 7:23 am

    We can lead successful lives while living with this disorder. You are not the OCD… the OCD does NOT define you… it just makes your life a lot more difficult than you’d like it to be. Most of us are doing OK… some of us have loving relationships, some of us have great careers, some of us have dreams and hopes that are slowly becoming a reality. We do pretty well considering how painful this illness is. Keeping it a secret is tough… and I certainly don’t blame any one of us for keeping our illness to ourselves. I’ve been keeping it a secret from friends and co-workers since I developed it…. but I also seek a support network that reminds me that I’m going to be okey. My family, and my therapist, and my partner are all there for me, and even when I’m embarrased by my OCD, they don’t judge me by it’s effects. These precious people keep me going, and I, in turn, commit myself to work on this as much as possible. For those out there who feel like you are reaching a low point: talk to someone who can help, remember that there’s more to you than the fear, and don’t lose hope!!!!!!!!!!!

25. KJ on Aug 08 2007 at 8:28 am

    I know exactly how you feel allison. I have OCD and I OBSESS about AIDS all the time. Its like you cant trust yourself with logic. I KNOW that I don’t have Aids and I know I never will have it (because I am cautious), but knowing doesn’t help the obsessions. Sometimes you feel they’re uncontrollable. Knowning doesnt stop me from convincing myself. I have convinced myself I have AIDS so many times in the past that I think I may have felt what it would be like to actually have it… its nto a pleasant feeling and it takes over your life. I read your story and it made me cry because it was so similar to mine. It made me feel that I wasn’t alone. I think the best form of therapy is talking to others who have OCD about these things, because I know that I often feel like im crazy and alone in these obsessions. There is help. I was on medicine for 8 years. I am off now, but I am slowly finding out that I need to get back on. My obsessions are getting in the way of my daily function. However, I am becoming mroe and more open about my OCD. I used to see it as a weakness and asking for help was a weakness, but its not. I have this disorder and I want to get better, there is nothing wrong with leaning on those you love if you want to get better. You don’t have to feel alone. My psychologist said that the AIDS obsession is one of the most major obsessions with people who have OCD. It was so nice to read this thread and write this. I am 21 and have been struggling with this disorder for mroe than half my life. You are not alone… seek people who share this with you for help. God bless you.

26. Tina on Sep 23 2007 at 4:05 pm

    Hello my name is tina!
    I am so gld I found this site! I cant even sleep at night thinking
    I am going to die from something mostly aids or anurism of the brain.
    Please tell me how to live a normal life. I am so bitter and hateful.
    I just want to live a normal life but dont know how.
    Please help!!!! I am going crazy.
    Thanks, Tina

27. Mary on Nov 24 2007 at 2:33 am

    It is reassuring to see so many other people struggling with OCD, although I wish none of us had it.

    My OCD started out with little things when I was young (couldn’t stand tags in clothes, anything binding, and repetitive sounds) but now I am freaked out about papercuts. I constantly imagine getting papercuts on my eyes or belly button (bizarre!). Sometimes, I am cringing and pressing my eyes with my hands to try and physicaly get rid of the feeling. I remind myself it is unlikely, but I can almost feel that it’s not just a thought, it’s my body out of balance.

    It gets a lot worse when I am overly-tired, stressed, eating too much junk, and generally not taking care of myself. Paxil, exercise, and sleeping more usually help me a lot.

28. Barbara on Jan 15 2008 at 1:59 pm

    Well guys, I thought I had left OCD behind, but the wheels came completely off the cart yesterday. I was on a health web site checking on some symptoms I was having and saw that I could have a condition afflicting, among other people, those with compromised immune systems. Of course I just happened to zero in on that one fact and have been in a tail spin ever since. I have been under a lot of stress lately. My rational side tells me this is the OCD talking, but the OCD side keeps saying “but what if . . . .”

29. Incertus on Jan 15 2008 at 3:59 pm

    Yep. That’s where OCD lives in the question, “What if?” Of course we come up with the most horrible of answers to that question. And can’t forget them.

    There is a danger in searching online for medical answers, if that is the focus of your OCD (contamination/disease type thing). You will always find something that sets you off. It’s something I try to not do any more. It’s hard. It’s that need for certainty that keeps feeding the desire to keep looking until find something that relieves the anxiety. That rarely happens. In my case it resulted in my becoming a walking text book on epidemiology. (heh) And of course makes the OCD more entrenched.

    As you already know, in time the current obsession will fade. The odds that you have what you found is extremely remote but OCD hooks onto that fact that it is not impossible and it becomes almost a reality.

30. Matthew on Apr 24 2008 at 11:32 pm

    I can relate to all your stories. My OCD started when I was around 16. I remember in PE Class waiting for a fellow class mate to finish his trampoline routine. I was next in line. I noticed he had a cut which started to bleed (from the friction of the mat i guess) and some blood was left on the trampoline. I also had a cut on my hand. Although the blood was wiped clean (semi clean in my eyes) I was overcome with fear. The guy was the sort who seemed not to care about much, always talked about girls he was seeing etc… I analysed this for the next week, seeing only negative few points unfortunately.

    My AIDS OCD hit rock bottom after a few years more of this. What freaked me out was why I was feeling like this, how long it would last etc… I was totally bewildered. I went on medication (aropax and xanax) from the years 1997 - 2002. Whilst the medication did take away my symptoms to a large degree I was never fully cured.

    I feel very fortunate over the last 3 or so years to have found the help of david Johnson in New Zealand. His web site panicfree.co.nz gives a great overview of the anxiety state in general which is what OCD is : an anxiety. I have made major progress from seeing him. When I first saw him I thought his method of coping seemed too simple that surely it wouldn’t work. I thought that what I was going through was so complexed that only something complex itself would cure me. I still have OCD but seeing the progress I’ve made without the need for medication is gratifying. It’s made me realise just waht a big bluff OCD is. Baically instead of fighting the unwanted thoughts when they arise you do the opposite: face them, accept them, float , and let time pass. Basically I just “let it all happen” or let the thoughts do what they like, and I just get on with what I’m doing. Of course this is still very hard at times due to a sensitised nervous sytem, but understanding why you are like this and how to cope doesn’t frighten you. Yo are no longer bewildered by what you are going through. I say this in all honesty. I am a sufferer living my life how I want to. Gradually over time the unwanted thoughts will come to mean less and less. I can say this with confidence.

31. Lexapro Prescription Information on Nov 07 2008 at 12:29 pm

    My name is Lisa Carter and i would like to show you my personal experience with Lexapro.

    I am 39 years old. Have been on Lexapro for 2 years now. This medication had an almost immediate positive effect on my life. Within 2 to 3 days of starting Lexapro, there was a noticeable lift in my general mood. A WARNING ABOUT STOPPING OR WEANING OFF LEXAPRO: I started taking 10 mg daily a couple of years ago for about 2 months, then decided I just didn’t want to take medicine every day. So I weaned myself off over a 2-wk period, first reducing the dose to 5 mg/day, then 5 mg every other day before I stopped altogether. I figured I would be able to tell if my mood was going downhill and I would just restart if it did. Well, there was no gradual decline. I was careful to monitor my mood and thoughts every day and everything went great for about 3 months, then C.R.A.S.H!!! I mean it hit me like a WALL, very very suddenly! Despite exercising 4-5x per week, healthy eating, etc., I hit an all-time low.

    I have experienced some of these side effects-
    Constant dull headache, jittery in the morning if taken before bed, dizziness. These negative side effects subsided within a week or two. Other side effects have continued, including sleepiness and yawning, apathy, vivid (but great) dreams. My libido died and never came back.

    I hope this information will be useful to others,
    Lisa Carter

32. AcceptanceIsTheKey on Nov 17 2008 at 5:56 pm

    I’ve just come to the same conclusion as Matthew, the more I “fought” the thoughts and the OCD, the more attention and time I gave it.

    This is what OCD feeds upon, attention and time. So it’s paradoxical, the more effort you put into fighting it and focusing on it, the more time you give it to work.

    I’ve had these thoughts for over 2 years now, have been through CBT with a well known OCD author as well as tried some SRI meds. These things helped a little, but for this type of OCD, with fear of HIV contamination, I’ve found that the only way to actually enjoy life is to accept the thought.

    My current thought is “I shook hands with a man who had cuts on his hand, I had a cut on my hand, he must have infected me with HIV”. Most of you will probably find this ridiculous, but we all find thoughts like this ridiculous if they are not the ones in the current OCD “limelight”. That’s what I’ve noticed, OCD doesn’t care about the thought, the thought is just there to explain the emotion. You could be obsessing over an incident and convinced you’ve contracted HIV from it, then another incident will occur and you won’t pay any heed to the previous incident, it seems OCD only has time for 1 thought at a time.

    So now I just submit to the fact that this OCD will convince me that I am infected with HIV by some never occurred before transmission route, and that I will whole heartedly agree with it.

    Once this was established I felt absolutely emancipated from the responsibility of it all, because I realised that if I am infected by HIV by one these never occurred before transmission routes, it isn’t my fault, I’ve done everything humanly possible by having safe sex, and not sharing needles (not that I inject drugs anyway).

    I then further explored my worst fear. Okay you’ve made history by getting infected by HIV in this manner, in a few years you’ll start noticing some symptoms and get tested a few times, you’ll know then that you have the disease and will consult a HIV doctor for a schedule of monitoring and treatment, you will most likely live a full life span, albeit with the possible requirement of taking meds each day to sustain it.

    After I played it all out in my head, it wasn’t that scary a monster anymore. Then I figured hey, if that’s gonna be the case then I’m sure going to have as much fun as possible before I die.

    It’s then that I realised that I was always waiting to be happy, “I’m going to own this car/home, have this family, have this career, etc etc” then I’ll be happy because I’ve succeeded, this is a load of bull that we’ve all be conditioned to believe, “you must put in work and effort in order to be happy” screw that, happiness happens in the present not in the future or the past.

    Each morning I wake up and ask myself this:
    “What am I going to do today to make myself feel great?”
    There may be a few things, but as long as one of those things is accomplished then I’ve succeeded.

    I’ll then fill my body with positive chemicals by standing up straight facing the ceiling with a big goofy smile on my face while listening to positive music. This will look silly but trust me it works!

    Then I get on with the business of doing things that make me happy, today it is going to be cleaning out the back porch and rearranging my room for a more enjoyable and tranquil environment, schweet!

    Each night I ask myself this before I sleep:
    “What have I done today that has made be feel satisfied”

    I hope this helps someone in need.

33. Sami on Dec 26 2008 at 3:37 am

    Wow, I don’t even know where to begin. I seriously didn’t think there were other people out there going crazy over the same thing that I go crazy over.

    I was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 11. I’m 20 now, and doctors say that my OCD is probably the most severe case they’ve seen in awhile. My HIV/AIDS obsession started may 7, 2007 (sad I remember the exact date, isn’t it?) when my friend and I went to a nail salon. The lady ended up cutting my cuticle with the trimmer and I bled pretty badly. All hell broke loose at that point and it’s been a downwards spiral since. I’ve always had OCD and been very weird about germs and contamination and diseases, but never like this. It’s really intense. I was also diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder, so I always think that the universe or something is going to set up situations where I could possibly contract it because I think about it 24/7 and these bad/strange feelings that go along with it, even though I don’t have sex or do drugs or anything. Then I start seeing “coincidences” occur about things that I’ve thought of and thought I made those things happen.

    Anyway, I went and had a test done after I got cut, and it was negative. But since then, I think I’ve become infected again. I went to have my blood drawn at a different place (a doctor’s office, not a lab). And I’m so used to needles being in packaging. But this needle was just capped and sitting in these little colorful boxes, I had a strange or bad feeling about the nurse and thought that she had a disliking for me, so I thought that she purposely used a dirty needle on me. I watched her get everything out, and even throw it away when she was done. I also asked her if the needles were clean, she and another nurse laughed and she made some sarcastic comment like, “Yeah, I stick everyone else, then I stick myself”. Anytime someone bleeds and they accidentally touch me or bump into me, I freak out and obsess over whether they got blood on me. I’m paranoid that people who know about my fear will purposely try and harm me and infect me. Even when I go out to eat, I have to disinfect the silverware, I never send anything back for fear they might do something to it, I only get clear sodas incase there might be some blood in it, so I can see it and stop myself from drinking it. I even hate the word positive. I hate it, I have this thing where I have to say the word negative over and over again. I have the most horrible thoughts that go through my mind every minute of every day. Germex and I are attached at the hip. I’m never without disinfectant. People in my class may joke about my OCD and I will too (they’re not mean about it or anything) but I don’t think they realize how hard it is living with something like this.

    Like someone said earlier, it’s not that I’m scared of dying from it, I’m scared of living with it. I have a fear of looking repulsive and disgusting and people just leaving me. I always think that if I don’t look at least halfway decent, nobody will ever want to be with/around me. I’m scared of possibly infecting others, I’m scared of losing control of my body (cause of everything that happens when you contract it) and having to have people take care of me and treat me like a baby again. I always feel dirty/infected. And it’s not like the kind of dirty where you can hop in the shower and feel clean again, I feel dirty and disgusting deep inside of me. Like I just want to rip off my skin and tear away my muscles and everything, it’s a horrible feeling. Even though I know I most likely DO NOT have it, I always think “What If?” I get a gut feeling that it’s in me, but then I don’t know if it’s really just my OCD/Paranoia. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see someone disgusting and sick. And it hurts to live like this.

    I’m currently going to therapy, but it’s not doing much good. I used to take meds, but they didn’t do anything. Doctors are trying to convince me to go on meds now, but I’m afraid of the side effects. I also have this fear that if I start taking them, and then I get tested, that the meds will screw up my results somehow and give a false reading or something. Every month I say to myself, “Ok, starting next month, I will count down six months until I can go get tested again. I just have to stay clean”. But then something always happens in the next month where I think I became infected. It’s a horrible experience and I truly feel for all of you out there suffering with the same thing. People can say they understand and stuff, but nobody really understands until they’ve walked in our shoes. They don’t know what it’s like to be consumed with a constant fear of illness. I really wish all of us the best of luck, and I hope that one day we can beat this monster known as OCD and live a more happy and free life.

    God bless you all!!!

34. LonelyOCD on Jan 04 2009 at 3:32 am

    Here I am, sitting at home on a saturday night… reading these forums, trying to commiserate with others who suffer from the same pain I feel. I can’t help but wonder, am I loosing to this disorder?

    I started suffering from panic disorder on a disabilitating level two and a half years ago. It started with a panic of loosing all my money, not being able to support the one that I loved, failing her. Then, it eventually formed into thoughts of that very person who I loved not loving me anymore. Not wanting me. These thoughts trumped my fear of loosing money. Then I convinced myself so well that she didn’t want me anymore that it did in fact eventually lead to her not wanting me anymore. For the last two years I have blamed myself and this disorder for the demise of a relationship with someone that I loved more than anything in the world. In seeps the deep depression that I now suffer with.

    All these thoughts that circle in my head became a reality because I forced them to be. I made my thoughts be real because that is how I controlled them.

    The straw that broke the camel’s back finally came a month ago when I convinced myself that I could have contracted AIDs. It wasn’t until then that I knew that this disorder went far beyond freudian theories of a damaged childhood that caused my panic disorder. For the last two years I have spent hours in a psychiatrists office picking apart every misfortune that may have contributed to this constant state of panic. I knew in my heart, in my head, with all of my logic… that I hadn’t contracted AIDs. But logic alone couldn’t fight this overwhelming fear that I had to hide behind a facade of normalcy. It was eating me alive from the inside out. I knew it was just my mind creating these fears! But I couldn’t fight them. I lost over 10lbs in two weeks just being scared. I ate normally, but couldn’t retain any weight. I had finally hit absolute rock bottom. I was loosing my will to live! Am I going to generate a fear of every possible thing that could bring happiness to my life? Can I no longer spend money, find love, enjoy sex? There was no way I was going to live life like this. I became a hermit, hiding myself from infecting others. Not hugging my family. I was absolutely miserable. All in the period of two weeks I had removed myself from society, only functioning at work out of necessity to maintain some sort of routine. I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts, but I couldn’t be around anyone that I could potentially harm. I had never been so miserable in my life. I feared getting an AIDs test because I didn’t want to go in a place where people potentially had AIDs. But, in a complete panic, 10 minutes before the clinic closed, I walked into the clinic with my shoulders sunk down and my head pointed at the floor and asked for a test. Then I asked how long it would take to get the results, hoping deep down inside that they would have the quick test. Nope, it would take two weeks. The people behind the counter immediately saw the fear in my face as all the blood drained leaving me a pail white. They asked if it would be ok. The only thing I could say is that I have sever panic disorder and don’t think I could live with not knowing for that long, fearing that I would self distruct even further into a empty shell of the extroverted person I had once been. They said to me,”don’t worry, we will help you through this.” They didn’t even know who I was, nor I them. But I felt security in this. I trusted them. They took me back and went through a questionaire. Do I use intravenous drugs? No…. Do I have homosexual sex? No…. Etc… The clinician looked at me with all sincerity and said, “If I were your friend and you told me you would be coming here to get a test, I would tell you that you are crazy.” For an instance I felt a release. Then he told me the statistics of AIDs in my area and how I was merely in a 0.01% risk group.

    All of these facts, all of this logic, should have set my heart at ease. If my mind could only not rationalize every possible scenario. Even after all of the clarification of facts and the reassurance to all my ruminations there was no way of beating down this fear. I spent the two weeks in near complete isolation. Didn’t touch anyone. Aching inside to feel normal again.

    After two weeks of pure torture, the results came. I was clear! The clinician gave me the ‘I told you so’s’. And I went on my way.

    I went to a therapist, for a different view on my thoughts. She took spent ten minutes with me and said, “How long have you had OCD”. I don’t have OCD I thought…. Then I went home and thought about all of the weird things that I have worried about since I was a child. All of which I won’t share, as I find it easy to take on other’s fears when i read about them.

    Seeking out an expert in my area, I found one of the best doctors I have ever encountered. He immediately educated me on how this process would work, gave no false promises, blew no smoke up my ass. But the thing that he said to me that brought me to tears was,” All of what you are feeling must be so painfull.” Yes, yes, yes! I had never thought about it that way. My mind was able to fabricate such fears that it made my life painful to live.

    Long story short, behavioral therapy has been a godsend to me in the very very short time that I have had it. I can begin to seperate my fears from my realities. Yes, I’m taking medication. But only Wellbutrin. Why is that? Wellbutrin offset the depression that was being caused by my anxiety, and gave me energy to function again. But medicine is an individual decision. I have read to many of these forums looking for the short answer to a long term problem, the secret that will clear me of all of this torture. Well, it isn’t there. The only answer is to commit yourself to making it better. Whether it be the combination of medicine and therapy, the reorganization of how you function on a daily basis, or the admission to yourself that this problem is one that you can learn to live with… I believe that once I am given the tools to combat this problem I will only gain strength far beyond people who don’t deal with it. I will be able to live a more normal life than someone who has never had to come face to face with a fear of the unknown.

    Knowing that others deal with this only gives me strength, these forums help. But the only true answer to recovery is admitting that there is no quick solution to this problem and with work and time we can all live normal lives again.

    Hell, this disorder has given both blessings and misfortune. I am successful in my life, work hard, and have a loving family. I strive to make others feel good. Still single at 30, but hope to have someone I could one day love. But what I want is the healthy balance of being a outwardly good person as well as one who looks after myself. OCD gives us a heightened sense of the world around us, a concious view of our coexistence. If the whole world worried about hurting others as much as we do there would certainly be a lot more peace!
    (I’ve even heard that people with OCD exceed in intelligence far beyond the norm… maybe not in spelling, but that was never my strong suit). You are all held in my prayers.

    on a lighter note, maybe OCD is the true antivirus to AIDs anyway :)

35. Barbara on Jan 05 2009 at 12:19 pm

    LonelyOCD: Good for you in recognizing that you needed help and actually getting it. OCD is acutely painful. You think you have been given a death sentence and you worry that somehow you will pass that death sentence on to someone else. That kind of pain is debilitating. One question: After you had the test, did you believe the negative result? I used to go get tested whenever the fear of having AIDS became too overpowering for me. Each time, the test was negative, but each time the relief I felt in getting the result was very short-lived, as I would read medical journal articles about the high prevalence of false negatives or about a pocket of HIV positive people in the city where I lived that continued to test negative even though they were clearly infected. Eventually, I realized that the tests weren’t doing anything to relieve my anxiety–in fact, they were heightening it because I would focus entirely on AIDS during the two week waiting period–so I stopped getting them. I did behavioral therapy and am on two anti-depressants (Lexapro and Remeron) that really serve to hold the OCD in check. I still will have OCD thoughts about AIDS even today–it’s been about 10 years since I first sought treatment–but the thoughts are fleeting and don’t weigh on me like they used to do. Just keep working hard and remember whenever you have an AIDS thought, “It’s not me, it’s the OCD!”

36. ashley on Jan 07 2009 at 4:24 am

    Hi everyone,
    Wow, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. A lot of things have led me to this point; coming to this website. I have never written anything online like this before, but even if no one comments I don’t care because it will most likely feel good to get this off my chest.
    First, when I was younger, in high school, I began to think that I had all these different diseases / mental conditions. I took a class that talked about disorders such as depression, schizophrenia, etc. and I would come home and look on the internet, convinced I had it. I just assumed I was a hypochrondriac. It’s funny now, to think that I tried to ‘convince’ myself I had depression, but I did. Reflecting back, I also believe I used to get paniac attacks. When I was in grade 10, I began to get this problem where I couldn’t take a full breath. It was a tightness in my chest; I complained to my mom about it, and I think I even went ot the Dr. who proceeded to tell me it was “rib stitch”. A second confession: I dabbled in hard drugs and the “condition” would get extremely worse then. I deduced (from the lovely internet again, of course)that I had angina. I told my mom this and she simply looked at me and said “your grandmother had that,”. (Note: I am adopted so genetics does not come into play). Basically, it was left at that. Thankfully, one good thing did come out of it - I will never touch hard drugs again.
    Anyways, this summer, I foolishly got so drunk that I had unprotected sex with a guy I didn’t know. As it turns out, he ended up giving me chlyamydia. (the clap). A disease that many people, including myself, have no symtoms of. Unfortunetly, I had a sort of boyfriend at the time and had to tell him my horrible mistake. I think that my fear of HIV/AIDS really stemmed from the fact that I felt I needed to punish myself for doing this to him. I freaked out numerous times with him (the boyfriend) bawling and screaming, apoligizing and calling myself names, because he never did. I called the guy who gave me the clap and called him out, but he was decent about it, and said no no no I did not give that to you I’ll even go with you to get checked out, etc. After that, I felt some relief. But a few weeks later I had a moment where I suddenly convinced myself he gave me HIV/AIDS. I felt anxious and depressed about this for weeks until I finally called the clinic and got tested. It was negative, but I still had that god damn window period !! I got tested again at my school, and I have not heard back from them since, so no news is good news I suppose. This was over a month ago when I should have called for my results. I figured that I was over it and tried to live a normal life.
    Unfortunetly, this is not the case. I am stillwith the same boyfriend and we do not have sex. It is not him, it is me. I feel disgusted by sex now. I don’t know what to do. I dream of having sex with other guys, but I know that if it came down to it, I couldn;t do it… unless I was drunk. Oh, I almost forgot. Another thing… when I was having sex with that diseased man.. that gave me the clap.. I remember suddenly snapping out of my drunken state and asking to “use a condom” but he didnt have one. I remember feeling dirty and wrong as the act was going on… I feel I was raped. I told my boyfriend this and he doesn;t buy it. After I was convinced this guy gave my AIDs I would prank call him just to see if he was there. I didn’t know his last name, but finally he changed his answering machine message to include it and I looked him up on Facebook … I didn’t add him, but he seems legit. I don’t know. I stopped calling him awhile ago. I thought I was over this until 2 incidents occured over the winter break.
    First, I saw an Intervention episode on OCD where this man had been a police officer who had come in contact with a criminal’s blood and had to be tested fro HIV/AIDS … after that he was never the same, until he became this shell of a man who refused to eat and sat in a chair for 12 hours a day. Next, I was at a party with a lot of ppl I didn;t know and this man, this older man, shook my hand, and when I pulled it away, there was a tiny piece of glass in my hand and it was bleeding. Now when I think back, I can’t remember if it was my blood or his. I am terrified. I don’t want ot get another test and wait and wait and wait. Can you get AIDS this way? I feel as if the cycle is starting all over again. I don’t know this man but my friend does. I can’t sleep at night because of this. I am going to do badly in school. But in my mind this is a legit reason to be scared. Examining my hand now, I have no cuts on it. I was drunk so it was blurry, I jsut remember seeing a piece of glass and bright red blood. The thing is, my friend even joked to me after “AIDS handshake”. I have told ppl about this incident and I went on about it at the party but all of a sudden its really bothering me. Maybe I do have OCD. But in my mind I should be legitimately scared. Maybe I will go to my clinic and tell them about it. I dont know what to do. It feels good to get this off my chest but I still don;t feel reassured. I can’t afford therapy thoguh I would love to go. Even if I don;t have OCD trust me there are many other issues in my life. Thanks for letting me talk about this.

37. Lillian on Feb 23 2009 at 5:50 pm

    I can definately relate to that guy on intervention you talked about. (I haven’t seen it but listen to this.)

    This past summer I began chatting with my boisterous, ill mannered, albeit friendly african american neighbor lady. She was easy going and always bummed smokes off me. She was unemployed and had three kids so I figured I’d help a sister out right? Turns out she died at the end of the summer in her sleep to pneumonia. My best friend and neighbor (best friend before moving in), who is more outspoken and witty than I had endured many a long conversation with her, told me after she had died that our neighbor lady had been afflicted with HIV and Hep C!

    On the one note I was scared because I had interacted with her so naturally without precautions. And I was going through it in my head to visualize all the times we were together, how much physical contact had I ended up exchanging with her. But I was also outraged that my best friend of 3 years had failed to give me a critical health detail about this woman. I was and am still so so mad at her because of this and various other things.

    Well it’s February now and I decided it’s been six months so I’ll get tested. I went through the same process at the testing place, “What if the nurse used an infected needle”, “All healthcare places need sick people to make money right?”, “What if I see other people with it and they are in the waiting room?” I can’t bare to think of it all, now I need to wait a week ‘or two’ for the results.

    By the way I have OCD that’s been on and off since I was 16 (I’m 20 now). One of my biggest fears when I got my liscence was that I would definately run over someone and not notice, killing the pedestrian only to find a warrant for my arrest and life sentence in jail. It’s taken years of denying these thoughts to come and bother me. With the rising cost of gas I couldn’t afford to drive around and check anymore. So I think now I needed something to focus my attentions on. But that isn’t saying much, those tests are expensive too.

38. jj on Jul 26 2009 at 12:34 am

    I have this same problem. I have had it for 10 years and thought it had gone away. I have been terrified of HIV for so long now I can’t remeber not being scared. Anyway, I have been tested a million times it feels like and every time I have come back negative. I then went to see a psych. who told me not to get tested because it was my complusion, the only reason I ever needed to get tested was if someone I had slept with told me they had HIV. I slept with someone unprotected and am now married to a different man and feel like I am going to get him sick. The person I slept with prior to my marriage and after my previous test told me 2 times that he had tested negative and I cannot trust that. My OCD has returned full force and I am having trouble cutting it off and not giving my thoughts any power like I usually do. I could not handle it f I have given my husband this. Now I obsess over a phone call. I constantly think someone is going to call me and tell me they have HIV and that I have it too. I think that other people know I have it and will call me and tell me. I fear my phone. I fear everything. I want it to stop. I too cannot even hear the word. It is hard for me to type it. To me, hearing it means that it is a sign that I have it. I hate the doctors office because I think that anytime I go there they will find out that I have AIDS. I cannot get sick because to me it means I have AIDS, so I am constantly worrying about germs. This is horrible and I thought I was the only person with this type of OCD. It is so hard for me to distinguish between OCD and my thoughts o HIV. I think my husband cannot take it anymore…I feel so guilty for my past…….help!!

39. Amanda on Oct 04 2009 at 11:00 am

    Hi, I am wondering if I have OCD or if I am just worrying about something that I no reason for worrying about. When I was little I used to be worried that I had cancer, then I got over that, and I used to worry about something bad happening to my mother and I got over that. Now that I have a family I worry about them, but nothing out of the ordinary just stuff mothers should worry about with their children. Now, I am obsessing over my husband and I keep having bad thoughts in my head that he is gonna leave me or he doesn`t want to me with me. Or I am constantly worried about what he thinks about me and I keep having thoughts that he is gonna cheat on me, when I know that he is not and I know that he wants to be with me, we have a perfect family and he is a wonderful husband. Where are these thoughts coming from and how do I get confident in my marriage again. Do I have OCD? Maybe some anxiey? There was an incident that provoked this constant worry about if he is gonna leave me, He is a police officer and he has to talk to alot of people well he talks to his dispatchers and it just started bothering me and then we got into an argument about me not trusting him, but I do trust him, I love him very much and I know that he would not do anything to hurt our family. Why do these thoughts keep coming in my head and how do I relieve them? I was in a past relationship where I had to constantly worry about my boyfriend but this is different in so many ways. My husband is wonderful and I know that he is not gonna cheat on my but why can`t my mind let go of this? Please help. Thank you, Amanda

40. Incertus on Oct 05 2009 at 11:23 am

    Hi Amanda,

    I can’t say if you have OCD or not. Though clearly you have a problem with anxiety that is inappropriate. I’m just a guy with OCD but my best advice would be to get checked out by a doctor/therapist that is knowledgeable about OCD.

    The thought patterns you describe could easily be OCD. But OCD is “normal” anxiety/thought patterns that get way out of control. The attempts to relive the anxiety is where we OCD folks get into trouble as these become our compulsions. Which for many are more problematic then the obsessions.

    As you have already identified your anxiety as being unrealistic that’s a great first step. So seeking help would be of great benefit to you. All forms of anxiety can be treated, even OCD, if you are willing to put in the work. Which can be difficult. But living free is certainly worth the effort

41. Alex on Apr 09 2010 at 1:47 am

    I had experienced the same obsessive concerns for over 20 years. I began taking Paxil two years ago, and the concerns were almost immediately alleviated. I would recommend it to anyone in a similar state of mind.

42. mrbiggbeats on Aug 13 2010 at 12:51 am

    OMG, I didnt no there were otheres? I dont know what to do,its taken full control of my life, I thought I was stronger then this, I cant shake it, I always wonderd what was wrong with me until I was something on MTV about people with OCD, I thought I was IDK crazy I guess b4 I saw this, but its was the same as what im was going thru, and the fear of having hiv/aids is controling everyday of my life, the othere symptoms are there as well, but this one is the worst of all, not even with just hiv, if I get a cramp im my legg, I would fear of having my legg cut off, headachs I fear of brain damage, sore throat, I fear of cancer, and so on ext, I dont know what to do, last week I had to leave work due to the worries causing me to have a panic attack, NO LIE, I hat to say it, but im glad im not alone, Im sorry to say that, its not something that I want to see someone share with me, Trust me

43. Incertus on Aug 13 2010 at 8:35 am

    It is very common for us to have gone a very long time knowing there was something wrong with us but not knowing there were others or what was wrong was something diagnosable and treatable.

    I will never forget the feeling when I was finally diagnosed. You mean there are others, that this is something I have and not me? It was amazing. At that point (I was 38) and had been fighting with it since I was 9 years old.

    Seek treatment. Treatment is not easy and has varying degrees of success. But living with OCD is not easy either and you can take back a lot of your life.

    If you would like to meet many more folks living with this disorder check out http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/OCD-Support/

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