Sue’s OCD Story

Thoughts at night:

My throat and chest feel so congested. Maybe I can cough it up. Oh. All that does is irritate my throat, but I’m still so congested. What if my chest fills up and I choke in my sleep? I think thats whats happening now. Ill try a few more pillows. That still isn’t helping. Its getting harder to breathe. Maybe Ill get up and go outside on the porch. Ahh. That feels good. But Im so tired. Id like to go back to bed, but I’m afraid to. What if I get all congested again and then I wont be able to breathe. Maybe Ill die in my sleep. I’m afraid. But I’m soooo tired. Okay, here I am in bed again. Ill try to sleep. Uh oh, there it is again. I cant breathe so well. “cough, cough”. “I’m sorry dear, for keeping you awake, but I cant sleep. I don’t think I’m breathing right. I’m all clogged up. Do you think I could choke in my sleep and die? Yes, dear, I know that sounds silly, but I’m really afraid because I’m not breathing so well. Listen to me breathing. Doesn’t it sound strange? Do you think it might be pneumonia? isn’t that dangerous? Okay Ill be quiet. Sorry”.

But I really cant let myself fall asleep in case something might happen. Maybe I should take something. But what? Oh, maybe a tea. gets up again. This feels good, maybe it will thin out the congestion. There,I think that sounds a little better now. Boy, I’m getting so tired. Its 2:30 already. I wish I could sleep. But I’m really scared. Maybe it will start again as soon as I lay down. Should I take some of that cough medicine? But I’m scared that it will make me too sleepy and I wont be able to keep myself awake to make sure I’m breathing right, and then Ill die in my sleep. Anyhow, I don’t like taking medicine at night.In case I get some kind of side effects from it during the night. No one will even know what I took.

I’m not going to take it, but Ill go back to bed with 3 pillows and see if maybe I can sleep now. I can hardly stay awake. But I cant let myself fall asleep. Maybe something will happen. I’m really not breathing right. I’m so scared. “Sorry, dear for waking you . I needed to drink a tea. Ill try to stay quiet. Do you mind if I read? it might keep my mind off all this. Oh, it will bother you too much. All right, I wont read. No, I’m not breathing too loud. I’m just congested. I cant help it.I think I’m getting sick. Will it bother you if I use the vaporizer?” Okay, here goes- Ill try to just relax and maybe things will get better. Maybe the steam will help. Breathe in, breathe out, in, out. Still doesn’t sound or feel right. I don’t blame him for getting fed up with me. I’m acting crazy, but I’m so scared. My breathing really doesn’t seem right. What if its Pneumonia? Should I go to the emergency room? I cant, I’m too tired. Maybe I can just calm myself down. Wow,look at the clock. Its almost 4. I’m going to be half asleep at work tomorrow. I wish I could do something. Whats wrong with me anyhow? This is really nuts.

The content in this post is mirrored from my original OCD site here;

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