I know how you all feel, but in a different way.
It’s like you can’t believe anything you tell yourself because you might be wrong. Like just the thought or act of doing something wrong is such a big deal. But to me it is. I’m constantly obsessing if I said or did something WRONG. I might say something to someone and the minute I say it I worry that I might have said it in the wrong tone of voice or maybe I sounded stupid while I said it. So then I have to go back and try to explain to them what I really meant so I won’t hurt their feelings and look stupid to them. Because sometimes I think I grew up thinking that everything was a big deal. Don’t talk to loud or talk to much about yourself because it is wrong to do those things.
And being wrong is terrible. I feel like running through the streets saying “I’m wrong all the time so sue me and lock me up.” I also obsess if I said what I say to my daughter every time I talk to her is in the right tone of voice or if I am giving her the “right” advice about things. I feel very anxious most of the time because I am afraid I will screw her up. I try to rationalize to myself that there isn’t directions to life so I can relax, but then another thought asks “But there are directions to some things.” I have this on going argument with myself all the time trying to come to a conclusion about things so I won’t have anymore questions and then I will know it all so I would be at peace. I have a hard time excepting that there are no absolute answers to things. I also have to make sure I speak to my Mom and dad every day or kiss them everyday because incase they died I won’t feel guilty for not having done that. But then I am always wondering if I talked to them enough that day. And what is “enough.” Someone tell me so I’ll know so I won’t be wrong and won’t feel guilty. Everyone says “just do your best” and the thought goes “well, how do I do my best?” as if there are specific directions for doing your best.” How do you ever convince that questioning part of you that no one in the entire world knows what they are doing and that it just doesn’t matter. And then I think “well what does matter.” I feel like I’m nuts. But I think I’m just very afraid of screwing up. I have this conversation with myself every day while putting on make-up. “Why am I putting on this make-up? Is it because I think I’m ugly and I’m trying to hide myself? So I sit there and obsess whether or not to put this makeup on because if I did I would be afraid of betraying myself because wearing makeup just proves that you don’t like yourself and not liking yourself is wrong. So I try to rationalize that I need to look decent for work, and then again argue with myself that you can look decent without it. Sometimes I wish everyone could just walk around with no teeth and look like crap and no one would care. I know sometimes I think of suicide from this nonsense but then I am afraid I would go to hell and have this go on for eternity whereas if I die on God’s time frame I might go to heaven and find peace. Also I’m afraid if I killed myself I’d really screw up my daughter and I could never take the chance of doing that. So some fear is good. It’s sometimes good that I cant make a decision! I pray for everyone in the whole world everyday that have these types of problems and more. This problem has made me a very compassionate person and I feel you can never judge anyone for anything because you don’t know what they are going through. If we could all just learn to deal with the stupid fears that hold us back we could all be free. Good luck and prayers to you all.
The content in this post is mirrored from my original OCD site here;